Dr. Cox: Look, surgeons always want to slice people open whether it's the best option or not. No disrespect, but you're just not that bright. You have no idea how to do anything else. Unfortunately, sick people are also very, very stupid and will almost always agree to anything that a blood-letting corpse carpenter such as yourself tells them. I simply stay in the room to make sure they make the right choice.
Turk: So you don't trust me?
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's right. That is an easier way to say it.

J.D.: [v.o.] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.
Ted: Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you use to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... No, still sad.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah.

Dr. Kelso: Anyway, keep my table warm. Adios.
J.D.: [imitates Scrubs incidental music]
Elliot: What are you doing?
J.D.: Oh, that's the sound I hear in my head whenever people leave. [imitates Scrubs incidental music]
Elliot: Whatever. I will see you after work. [exits]
[Scrubs incidental music plays]

Elliot: Look, Dr. Kelso, leaving any job is tough. I remember when my cousin got fired from her job, she was so depressed because it was the only salon in town, and all she ever wanted to do was cut hair.
Dr. Kelso: Here it comes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Both Dr. Kelso and I had heard enough of Elliot inspirational stories to know that they invariably end with someone killing himself.
Elliot: But, then she moved.
J.D.: [v.o.] Huh. Maybe not.
Elliot: To a better place.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or maybe so.

Ted: By the way, what happened to the janitor they hired to replace you?
[flashback: The Janitor is dressed in a white lab coat and is seated at a desk as he talks to a man:]
Janitor: We're going to have to let you go, Marv. But, stiff upper lip.
Marv: I'm sorry, Dr. Itor.
Janitor: Call me Jan.
[present:]
Janitor: I heard he quit.

Todd: My guy needs a kidney now. Why wouldn't the Halfords say yes?
Turk: Because they're in no rush. Plus, the Halfords don't know the Brinkleys, so they don't trust them.
Dr. Cox: We're screwed.
Todd: Awesome.
Turk: In The Todd's world, if anybody gets screwed, it's a good thing.
Dr. Cox: Of course it is.

J.D.: [v.o.] Life's great. With the janitor fired, I can walk the halls without fear. I don't even hesitate around corners any more. [J.D. crashes into The Todd] But maybe I should.
Todd: I-can-feel-little-J.D.-five?
J.D.: No thanks, Todd.
Todd: But I can and I want my five.

J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe it was the free muffins for life, but Dr. Kelso still hangs out here every day.
Dr. Kelso: Morning, everybody!
All: Morning, Bob!
Dr. Kelso: I'm like Norm in this bitch.

Ted: Seriously, don't you have anything better to do?
Dr. Kelso: Come on, people. I've got tons of stuff going on. I golf, I play gin with the boys. In fact, I am just here to stock up on muffins. Donny, four roadies please. [Donny throws muffins directly into Kelso's bag] Today, Enid and I are leaving to go spend a weekend in wine country. Of course, you know how Enid complains, any place I take her is whine country. [all laugh] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway, keep my table warm. Adios.

Turk: I don't understand. If I'm the best surgeon here, how come you're always looking over my shoulder?
Dr. Cox: Oh, give me a break, would you? Saying someone is "the best surgeon" is like saying someone is the smartest cast member of The Hills. Let's face it. It's just not that tough to float to the top of the surgical toilet. Take your fellow-cutter, The Todd. Now, he's also deemed competent enough to perform a kidney transplant on that gentleman right there. Yet observe. Say, Todd? What's for lunch today?
Todd: I'm not sure, bro.
Dr. Cox: This time, I'll just move my lips as if I was speaking and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him the glass is now just too darn thick to hear through. [knocks, mouths words]
Todd: Can't hear you through the glass, dude!