Ted: It's true, you're back! I'm so happy.
Janitor: You don't look happy.
Ted: I don't smile a whole lot. And lately, when I try to, it hurts. But trust me. I'm happy.

Dr. Kelso: I bet you can't wait to call all your friends and tell them how pathetic I am.
J.D.: Actually, sir, we young people are more into texting these days. [texts]
Elliot: J.D., be sensitive. Don't act like you're at a ping pong match between a ninja and Bigfoot. I know that made no sense, but he's totally there now in his head. Look at his eyes.
Dr. Kelso: Look at that.
Elliot: He should be out for a while.
Dr. Kelso: I just have lot more free time than I thought. Enid and I were going to travel all over the country, but we don't have cash right now.
J.D.: Elliot, stop doing that.
Dr. Kelso: Well, who won the ping pong game?
J.D.: The Sasquatch. Then Turk and I took him to a carnival to celebrate. Man, that hairy bastard loves funnel cake!
Dr. Kelso: Amazing.

Elliot: Hey, do you ever still think of me in that way?
J.D.: What way?
Elliot: You know. In a sexual way.
[fantasy: Elliot is scantily-clad in the coffee house as she shakes her hair]
J.D.: Sometimes. Do you ever think of me that way?
[J.D. is shirtless in the coffee house]
Elliot: Sometimes. Put your shirt back on.
J.D.: I'm just flipping it so you can't see the stain.

Janitor: Look, I'm here because I want to be here. But don't worry. I'm going to get my job back.
Ted: Oh, good. What's your plan?
Janitor: I just told it to you. I'm here, therefore I will get my job back.
Ted: You're making my head hurt.
Janitor: We both know that's not me. That's from when you were a baby, and a marble fountain fell on you.
Ted: Sometimes, my mom kept my crib in the driveway.
Janitor: Mine too. But I've lived my life by a very specific credo. Everything works out for me.

J.D.: Look, if it helps, you hurt me too.
Elliot: Really?
J.D.: There were so many times I wanted to be with you so badly and you shot me down. Like when we first met, huh. Or when you wanted to be sex buddies. [fan fare]
Elliot: Oh yeah, but that's when I found work so overwhelming, and I...
J.D.: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry, we've just been down this road so many times, you know? Seriously, does even talking about it just make you hate yourself a little bit?
Elliot: I can't tell from just doing the normal amount of hating myself, or if I'm at a slightly higher level of self-loathing.
J.D.: You're too hard on yourself.
Elliot: No, I'm not. I'm just stupid and ugly, and I have a pig face.

Elliot: We have so much history. Most of it bad.
J.D.: Yeah.
Elliot: How can we ever get past that?
J.D.: We can't.
Elliot: Oh, good. That makes me feel better.
J.D.: But maybe, we could remember all our pit falls like a road map. Maybe, this time, we could avoid all the drama. We don't have to be that couple where one of us says they're moving out of town, the other one has to rush to the airport to stop them. We don't have to argue about whether or not we were on a break.
Elliot: You watched the Friends marathon last night, didn't you?
J.D.: I did. I loved it. The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger than you used to be. And I've changed too. I have a beard now.
Elliot: Do you still let that inner voice of yours control you?
J.D.: [v.o.] This is getting too serious. Kick her. Kick her in the head.
J.D.: Not as much.

Elliot: I'll tell you what else I don't want to deal with. All the judgement from everyone else. Dr. Cox, Jordan, even Turk and Carla. I mean, it's almost enough of a reason not to do anything.
Dr. Kelso: Hogwash!
[J.D. and Elliot are no longer in their own little world as Dr. Kelso sits back down at the table]
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Kelso: That ridiculous drivel you just said. Oh, but who am I to talk? Here I am, eating some kind of a banana-nut-sawdust-muffin, and hiding out in this crappy excuse for a Coffee Bucks. Who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? Just look into your heart, and do whatever the hell makes you happy.

J.D.: [v.o.] Plus, Elliot and I were better friends than we've been in a long time. We were going to movies.
Elliot: I really liked that.
J.D.: Oprah produced it.
J.D.: [v.o.] We were going out to dinner.
Elliot: My salmon was great.
J.D.: You know, Oprah owns that restaurant.
J.D.: [v.o.] And on weekends, when I had Sam, she even came over for breakfast.
Elliot: I could make pancakes, or we could have Oprah O's! And check this out.
Oprah: [v.o.] Who wants to eat some cereal?
Elliot: That's funny.
J.D.: That's it? Not only did I rig this box, but I got Whitney in payroll to tape her Oprah voice. I've been working on this joke for over a week, and all you can muster is a little chuckle?
Oprah: Who wants to eat some cereal?
J.D.: Stop!
Oprah: Who wants to eat some cereal?
J.D.: It's broken.
Oprah: Who wants to eat some cereal?
J.D.: Stop it!
Oprah: Who wants to eat some cereal?
J.D.: Stop, stupid box!
[Elliot laughs as J.D. beats the cereal box]

Turk: Okay. So, I'm going to add a little pressure now, sir. [fart sound] It's alright, it's perfectly natural.
Patient: That was you.
Turk: Yeah, I know. But it's still perfectly natural.
Dr. Cox: Lovely.

Turk: It's your own fault. You're the only attending who sticks around for an entire exam when he calls for a surgical consult. Why is that?
Dr. Cox: No reason.
Turk: Oh, so you don't want to say. That's cool. I know you know hate that I call Carla "baby" all the time, so I'll just call you "baby" until you tell me. Does that sound good, baby?
Dr. Cox: Don't do that.
Turk: Oh, what's the matter, baby?