Betty: So, what are my choices?
J.D.: Well, we could put you on a breathing machine, but it's unlike that you'd ever come off of it. Or I could just make sure that you're as comfortable as possible.
J.D.: [v.o.] "As comfortable as possible." I've said that a million times and I still have no idea what it means.
[fantasy: Betty's room is filled with soft, fluffy balls of cotton:]
J.D.: There you go, Betty. That's every cotton ball in the hospital.
Betty: Oh, I am very, very comfortable.
J.D.: Then you're ready to die.

Elliot: [v.o.] Oh, my god, here he comes. Ok, this is easy. Just compliment him. Tell him he has a square head.
That's not a compliment. What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle. Circle head. Oh, my god, you're stuck on shapes, and square head's almost here! To hell with it. Just do what Dr. Cox said and ignore him.

Jake: Just admit it. You've been sent from the future to destroy me.
J.D.: I am not from the future, Jake. Gesundheit, Carol. [Carol sneezes] Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?
Jake: I don't know what the odds are, J.D. What I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck, get my kyak paddle and go Greg Barton on your ass.
J.D.: Who's Greg Barton?
Jake: He's a famous kayaker.
J.D.: Oh, Greg Barton.
Jake: I hate you, J.D.
J.D.: I know.

Carla: Elliot, so you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly. But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closet full of tiny T-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego. I have a giant ego.
Elliot: Damn it! I knew that.
Carla: Would you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?
Elliot: You're amazing.
Dr. Cox: And I'm in.

Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What did you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'cause if you hurt her-
Jake: I didn't say anything. Everyone around here is crazy.
Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you.
Jake: A bag of rats? Are those alive?
Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle. That way all the live ones get a good look at him they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: I very much don't.
Janitor: It's pretty simple. Take a canvas bag... Jailbreak!

J.D.: Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister, but Jake's just trying to help. He's a stand-up guy, and I think you should leave him alone. If you do I think it will be dy-no-mite. Sorry, I was just watching Good Times in the doctors lounge.
Dennis: Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.
J.D.: Can you believe this guy?
Dr. Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine, even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her.
J.D.: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny. I just said it happened. Come on. When's the last time you saw a glimpse of humanity in this place?

Dr. Cox: Barbie, go get him, I believe in you.
Elliot: No, you don't. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me. Just like the time you told me the hospital fund raiser was a costume party. I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas.
Dr. Cox: I was in a costume, too.
Elliot: You wore an Armani tux.
Dr. Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How do you not get that?

J.D.: [v.o.] And another man realized it's OK to be a decent human being for once.
Dr. Cox: Well he's definitely leaving for good this time there, Barbie. I'd- I'd say go for it.
Elliot: Why won't you leave me alone?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because the NHL is on strike, and I'm not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other. Or maybe because for the first time in 4 years, I'd actually like to see happy, for a change. Believe whatever you want. I don't really care. Jake the Snake is bearing down and if I were you, I'd step up to him, look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues and invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.

J.D.: [v.o.] As much as Hooch loved us, it was even better to see Turk happy. See, he and Carla had recently started couples therapy, and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.
[flashback:]
Therapist: Carla says you cry after you orgasm. Would you like to talk about that?
Turk: No, not really.

J.D.: What are you doing in the on-call room?
Carla: Nothing.
Turk: [weeping] I gotta go.
Carla: Ok.
J.D.: [v.o.] Thankfully, Turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. Still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says good-bye.
Turk: Ok, I'll see you around. [punches J.D. in the shoulder]
J.D.: Argh. Peace, homey.