Elliot: Uh, do you guys think that Clarissa is more attractive than me?
Dr. Cox: Yes. Who's Clarissa?
Elliot: She's the short, balding woman in the pharmacy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then definitely yes.

Elliot: She just got engaged, bad comb-over and all.
Carla: When Clarissa beats you to the altar, it might be time to hang up the ovaries.
Elliot: Too mean!

Todd: Nurse, suction.
Nurse: The patient's not even here yet.
Todd: I know.

Elliot: I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.
Jake: Hi. Can I get some help? My neighbor fainted, and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.
Elliot: Let me take this one, Jenny. You've got a phone call.
Jenny: Oh. I'll call them back.
Elliot: Your mom died.
Jenny: What?!
Elliot: Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have. She'll be laughing later. Got you, Jenny! Dead mom joke's always funny.

J.D.: So, Betty, you're back with us, and I see you brought a young, handsome buck with you. What are you trying to make me jealous? You know you're my gal.
Betty: Who are you?
J.D.: I'm Dr. Dorian. I'm the one that's taken care of you the last 19 times you've been in here. She's getting a little forgetful. You know how that happens. Are you a relative?
Jake: No. Neighbor. I only met her once.
Betty: It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater.
J.D.: That's a lovely memory, Betty. You know what else is a lovely memory? That Sunday I spent 8 hours helping you to join the Wilford Brimley fan club. You don't remember that, do you?

Jake: If everything's all right here, I'm kinda on my way to the airport. I'm going kayaking with some friends in New Zealand.
Elliot: Cool. So, what are you gonna do there?
Jake: Mostly kayaking.

Jake: So, Betty, I'll check on you the second I get back, okay? You get better now.
J.D.: So, Elliot, the first thing we're gonna need to do is-
Betty: Is Dr. Reid coming back?
J.D.: Oh, don't worry about her, Betty. You're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.
Betty: Who's that?
J.D.: That's me, Betty, Dr. Dorian. Cocoon. Wilford Brimley, Steve Guttenberg, the whole day. No?

Elliot: Hey, Jake. So, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Elliot: No, I'm just kidding. I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad, it's like a general mustiness. Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off, and, skin mold.

Elliot: Look, Dr. Cox, I'm sure you're fantastic at picking up men. Really. But I can handle this one on my own. Thank you. [Jenny bumps into Elliot as she walks by] Ow! Some people just cannot take a good "your mom is dead" joke, you know.

Therapist: Chris, what's going on with you?
Turk: Nothing worth talking about.
Therapist: This is your third visit, and you've yet to say anything real about how you're feeling.
Turk: That's because I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.
Therapist: I think you pretend that everything's okay, even though deep down inside, a lot of things are bothering you. So, come on. Tell me what you're thinking right now.
Turk: I'm staring at that picture above your head. Yeah, now, is that one of those psychological ink-blot tests where I try to figure out what it is? Because if so I'm seeing a duck.