Carla: Anyway, I worry that sometimes when I'm tense, I could be a little condescending.
Therapist: Actually, I've noticed that.
Carla: Have you really noticed it, "Mr. Therapist"?!

J.D.: Keep it light. Open with a joke, and before you know it, you and your raft will be on a 4-hour trip to New Zealand.
Jake: No, it's more like 14 hours.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, you're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.
J.D.: Vaso-vagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does. Come on. Do it. You'll feel good. Trust me.
Jake: Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.
J.D.: You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.
Jake: You an idiot?

J.D.: Just go, Jake. No one here knows your last name. If anything happens, they'll never be able to find you. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand. Which, incidentally, is 10,000 miles east of Australia and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.
Jake: You've been brushing up on New England.
J.D.: Well, go anyway. Wherever it is you're rafting.

Dr. Cox: Hats off there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.
Carla: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive "so that we can relax", and as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look here. The only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase. So if you want that guy to look in your way, listen to me carefully. Ignore the living hell out of him.
Carla: That's the worst advise I've ever heard.
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do you?

Elliot: The point is your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate if you could give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem, Barbie. Let me just finish writing this prescription, and you'll be all squared away.
Elliot: This is a prescription for "no."
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together.
Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and alleluia.

Janitor: Elliot, my neighbor fainted, too. Hey, you want to go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing. I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.
Elliot: Janitor, I thought we were done with this.
Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Elliot: Just put her back in her room.
Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall. Better get you back to the food court, huh? Your husband's probably come to by now.

Ted: Is that him?
J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my word, Jake, we're gonna take every last cent you have.
J.D.: No, no, Ted. We're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a Post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.: "Buy groceries, kill self."

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, seeing Jake come back and do the right thing restored my faith in humanity.
Martha: I can't believe that 6 young men stopped to help an old lady change a tire.
J.D.: And don't you forget who put that tire on and tightened those lugnuts, Martha. Ok, sweetie, have fun at the swap-meet. Drive safe.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yeah, it sure feels good to do the right thing.
[As the car drives away, the wheel comes off]
J.D.: Righty-loosey, lefty-tighty.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. Oh, man, it still feels good.

J.D.: [v.o.] One of the reasons Turk and I are so popular around here is that we love helping our fellow doctors.
J.D.: Hey, Hooch.
Hooch: That's my name. Don't wear it out.
J.D.: Classic Hooch. Listen, even though I'm not gonna be paid, I'm gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight so you can do Mr. Schindler's endoscopy. And I'm gonna cross-cover all of Dr. Turner's patients so Turner can assist you on the procedure.
Hooch: Why are you guys going through so much trouble?
Dr. Kelso: Who's doing the endoscopy on Mr. Schindler?
J.D. and Turk: Turner and Hooch! [cheer]
Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.
J.D.: Oh, Hooch!
Turk: Hooch is crazy!

J.D.: [v.o.] I decided to help their marriage by moving out, partly because Carla and I had accidentally kissed and messed things up, but mostly because it was time. Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.
J.D.: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive? Ever mention any hot neighbors?