J.D.: [v.o.] I was still trying to get my intern Jo to be more sensitive with her patients.
Denise: Don't worry, Mr. Hapburn. A lot of people are afraid of needles. I was only surprised because you're the first one I've come across that doesn't have a vagina.

J.D.: Morning, sleepy. I gotta go to work. I wish I had the day off, too.
Elliot: Hey, do you realize that we've already been dating for a week, but we still haven't had sex?
J.D.: Yes, but you know what? We're not gonna rush this time. We're just gonna go with the flow.
Elliot: I think we should do it right now. [a pair of pants land on Elliot's face] J.D., why are you throwing your pants at me?
[J.D. is still fully-clothed]
J.D.: Because I got excited. Woo-hoo.
Elliot: Well, you should be, Because tonight when you get home, I'm going to be waiting here, and it's gonna be the most amazing, crazy night you've ever had. [a pair of underpants land on Elliot] Stop throwing dirty clothes at me!
J.D.: Stop saying sexy things.

J.D.: Okay, well, other than the abdominal discomfort, everything okay, sir?
Mr. Lawton: Well, I'd feel better If this bed were a little more comfortable.
Denise: Oh. Here, lean up. Lean up.
Mr. Lawton: Oh, thank you. And I'm sorry if I ruined your day.
Denise: Eh, we're cool.
J.D.: Apparently, you guys are cool.

Dr. Cox: What can I say? I just wish you were at home with her.
J.D.: You and me both.
Dr. Cox: That was an insult.
J.D.: I know. I thought if I took it as a compliment, It would drive you insane and you'd go away.
Dr. Cox: Damn it!

Denise: Hey, J.D., because of the abdominal discomfort, I was thinking of ordering an endoscopy on Mr. Lawton.
Yeah?
J.D.: No, no, he had the same symptoms before. It turned out it was just heartburn. An endoscopy's a really painful, invasive procedure.
Denise: Who gives a crap?
J.D.: Oh, I don't know, uh, Jo. I-I think I do. Probably sounds crazy to you.
Denise: Not crazy. Just a little weird.
J.D.: Okay, no more sugarcoating, all right? You will never be a good doctor until you learn what it means to truly care for your patients. And if I don't start seeing some changes soon, you're gonna be out on your ass, all right? There's your buzzkill. Go back to work.
J.D.: [v.o.] Careful. Keep your badass doctor stare going In case she looks back. Nailed it.

Dr. Cox: Bob, what are you doing up here? Are you sick?
Dr. Kelso: No. I'm just taking a stroll, but thanks for your concern.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm not concerned. I-I meant to sound hopeful. Let me try it again. [crosses fingers] Are you sick?

J.D.: [v.o.] For Jo, it was just gonna be a good, old-fashioned verbal beat-down.
J.D.: I don't know who you think you are, but I promise you are gonna regret this mistake for the rest of your-
Nurse: Sorry to interrupt. Great call ordering that endoscopy, Dr. Mahoney.
Denise: Mr. Lawton has stomach cancer.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yep. Speechless.

J.D.: [v.o.] Time to make things right.
J.D.: Jo, I'm sorry. I thought you were being callous with Mr. Lawton, you were just being thorough.
J.D.: [v.o.] God, I'm a good apologizer.
J.D.: From now on, I'm gonna stop riding you and let Jo be Jo. Sound good?
J.D.: [v.o.] No. Sounds great.
Denise: Why would you apologize? What the hell is your problem?! Uh!

Elliot: See? That is the kind of passion That I want tonight with J.D., but we've hooked up so much in the past, I can't come up with anything new. Ooh, what if I dripped hot candle wax on his chest?
Turk: No, Tina Two-Kids tried it and burnt off his treasure trail.
Elliot: Okay. Okay. Let's just keep spitballing. What if I strangle him a little?
Turk: No. J.D. might like the idea of that, but if he loses too much oxygen, he'll get dizzy, and then his space needle will become his space noodle.
J.D.: How do you even know that?
Turk: Elliot, I just do! Matter of fact, I don't wanna talk about this anymore, All right? I'm out.

Janitor: Angry woman out.
Elliot: Damn it!
Janitor: Angry woman in.
Jordan: You better not be making me one of your stupid janitor jokes.
Janitor: No, ma'am. [Jordan starts to walk out] Angry woman out.