Denise: Did you know that guy was a priest?
J.D.: I did. Uh, I'll see you tomorrow. If you're not here, I'll just assume that demons dragged you down to hell to chew your face off.

J.D.: I finished my dozen.
Elliot: Why would you eat all of your cookies at once? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen to them?
[fantasy: As J.D. and Elliot prepare to eat their first cookie, a smoke bomb is thrown through the window. They both pass out. Turk runs in wearing a gas mask.]
Turk: Come to daddy. Still pretty smoky. [removes mask, eats cookie] Worth it. [passes out]
[reality:]
Elliot: So he'd kill us?
J.D.: I told Turk you were making cookies. Plus he has a key to my place, and Carla's out of town. Elliot, with his diabetes, it's the only time he gets to eat sweets.

J.D.: [v.o.] Mr. Lawton, one of my favorite patients, was back. Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.
J.D.: Hi. How's it going over here?
Mr. Lawton: Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just observing that my heart disease was, uh, uh... What was that, sweetheart?
Denise: A giant buzzkill.
J.D.: Jo.
Denise: What? I was on cloud nine this morning. Had a good night's sleep, hot shower, big ol' pancake breakfast. Then bang, chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.
J.D.: Well, I-I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible that his condition annoyed you.
Denise: I doubt it.
J.D.: She doubts it.

Dr. Cox: That was just the board. They're offering me the Chief of Medicine job.
Jordan: Shut up! Do you know what this means? That when I ask our nanny how she manages to raise her own kid without a nanny, I can hire a second nanny to listen to her boring answer. Perry, look at yourself. You don't get in your own way anymore. Sweetie, I am so, so proud of you.
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
Jordan: I'm feeling so open and vulnerable that it's literally filling me up with rage and hatred, so I should go.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, when did you become homeless?
Elliot: Uh, these are just my cookie pants.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, these are my muffin slacks. Bam! I've been rocking these bad boys since the day I retired.

Denise: Look, I know I'm horrible with patients, but I make one lucky call with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy, and now you're not gonna push me anymore to be better?
J.D.: Okay, you're not the mayor of Crazy Town, you're the emperor.
Denise: At least when you gave me crap, I knew you were trying to help, but now you're just giving up on me?
J.D.: What do you care? You don't even listen to me.
Denise: What? I've been busting my ass trying to be more caring with the patients. Remember when Mr.
Lawton was uncomfortable?
[flashback to Denise giving Mr. Lawton another a pillow]
J.D.: That must have been so hard for you.
Denise: Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.

Dr. Cox: What's with the yarn?
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna use it later. Oh, by the way, Jordan thinks I'm hot.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, she mentioned that before. It's disturbing.
Dr. Kelso: Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?
Dr. Cox: You said it was a bureaucratic nightmare, and I don't want to be miserable.
Dr. Kelso: You love being miserable.
Dr. Cox: I don't want everyone to hate me.
Dr. Kelso: Everybody already hates you. You wanna know the real reason why you don't want the gig, champ? Because you're a fraidy-cat.
Dr. Cox: Beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Didn't you hear me? Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?
Dr. Cox: Don't push me, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: You're right. I'm sorry. Would it make you feel any better to bat this around for a while? [Dr. Cox groans] See, I told you I was gonna use it later.

J.D.: [to Denise] What makes you think you're so special? Every doctor in this place has flaws they've been dealing with since they were a little kid. Hell, the guy who taught me Is constantly getting in his own way. I'm dating a girl who's always fighting her own neurosis. And you saw my biggest flaw in action today. I was willing to let a patient I liked Go without an endoscopy Because I wanted to spare him a painful procedure.
Sometimes I care a little too much.
Denise: Yeah, but that caring thing has a major upside.
J.D.: And so does your cold bitchy thing. It'll protect you from letting all this stuff weigh you down. Remember last Monday? We spent that night watching a young father die of lung cancer. Do you remember his name?
Denise: No, um, not even a little bit.
J.D.: Jack Fremont. Sometimes I still think about him, and that is not a good thing.

Dr. Cox: So this is what fear feels like, huh? It's kinda like being really drunk, only In a very sad way. You're just loving watching me fall apart like this, huh?
Dr. Kelso: More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't, I will always remind you that you are a sac-less little fraidy-cat.
Dr. Cox: Why in the hell did you try to talk me out of it?
Dr. Kelso: I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would have tortured me forever.
Dr. Cox: So you really think I'm the man for the job?
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell do you think recommended you?
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: You're welcome.

Dr. Cox: Bottom line, if we don't get a new boss in this place soon, it'll fall apart.
Dr. Kelso: I'd pretend to care, but I don't have to. Here's my office.
Dr. Cox: Okay, fine. You go ahead and have fun spending your golden years at a depressing coffee chain surrounded by-
Dr. Kelso: I don't mean to cut you off, Perry, but I have to take this call. [makes phone hand gesture]
Dr. Cox: Look at that. He brought it back.