Elliot: J.D. and I just took positions here as staff internists.
Jake: Was that what you wanted to do? There was an endocrinology fellowship with this amazing doctor over at County, but it's a little over my head.
Jake: So you took a fallback job 'cause you were afraid to go for it?
J.D.: Uh, Jake, is it?
Jake: Yeah, it's-
J.D.: I know your name, Jake. I'm being condescending. It's Jake, right? Look, no one here is settling. Here at Sacred Heart, you get to work with some of the finest doctors in the country.
Todd: Out of my way! I got a doozy of a two-sie!

Dr. Cox: All right, then. Before we jump into rounds, I see it's time for my annual cologne intervention. Lonnie, you're killing us. And honestly, what's the point? Do you understand that no matter how badly you want to get freaky with Karen here, that's just not going to happen. And here's why : she thinks you have the body of a fetus. Oh, Karen, did you tell me that in confidence? No, he knows.
Lonnie: She drew me a picture.

Turk: Come here, boy!
J.D.: Come on, rowdy!
Turk: No, you come here, eat your steak!
Carla: What are you doing?
J.D.: Well, whoever Rowdy goes to first, he gets to keep him. Rowdy, if you come to me, I'll scratch your special region.
Carla: So you moved back all the furniture and defrosted our dinner with your sweaty hands for a joke?
Turk: Yeah, we did.
Carla: If he stays, I'll drive him out to the country and leave him there.
J.D.: [v.o.] Huzzah, he's mine.

Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Cox] I'm so glad you shared.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: How would you like to make this a full time job?
Jordan: I'll have to think about it.
Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Cox] How could you not see this coming?

J.D.: I'm really gonna miss this kind of stuff.
Turk: Why? We'll still be able to pull pranks on him after you move out.
J.D.: Yeah, but we won't be staying up till six in the morning planning anything as genius as the soup shower. This is the end of an era, Super Choc.

Turk: Okay, now, if you reel it back a little bit, I'll get somebody to cover for me tonight, and I'll help you pack your stuff.
J.D.: Can we cut words out of magazines that represent how we feel about each other, and glue them into a "friends forever" collage?
Turk: Hell, no.
J.D.: Oh. Can we drink beers and reminisce?
Turk: Hell, yes.
J.D.: That's all I wanted to do anyway.
J.D.: [v.o.] Plus, I already made the collage.
Turk: Now listen to me. You gotta make tonight count 'cause you'll never be as cool as you were when you were rollin' with the big dog as a roommate, you know?
J.D.: [v.o.] No, I didn't know.

Carla: Well, maybe Jake shouldn't have pushed you into that interview.
Elliot: Maybe I should've covered my mouth when I sneezed blood the second time.

Jordan: So, do you think I should take the job? Perry?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I was just thinking about this little boy in here. He's only 8 years old, and he's terminal. I just hope his parents spent as much time with him as they could. You're here one minute, and then the next, you're... What, uh, what were you saying?
Jordan: Nothing.
[Dr. Cox enters the boy's room]
Dr. Cox: Stick your hand out. [hands cash] Good man. Get yourself some ice cream. Go on, get out of here.

J.D.: [v.o.] I wasn't the only unhappy person in our hospital family.
Carla: Sure, Jake, I'll tell you why it feels like I have a problem with you. The fact that Elliot jumps so high whenever you tell her to may seem harmless, but as a result, she's been stealing all my sports bras. Seriously! The only one I have left is the one I'm wearing, and it works great. See? Huh?
Jake: It works pretty nicely.
Carla: It does, right? But if I wanna jump up and down again this week, I'm stuck until laundry day.

Jake: [to Carla] Okay, I'm obviously gonna have to guess what your point is here, but I think it's that I control Elliot, which I don't. Here. Watch this. Elliot, will you shove that guy? [Elliot does]
Jake: Why would you do that? I was trying to prove you don't do everything I say.
Elliot: Well, clue me in, stud. That was creepy Carl. He runs an upskirt website. I'm on it.