Jordan: Don't sweat it too much, kid. He wore so much cologne on our first date, I had to sell my Miata.
Dr. Cox: Why?
Jordan: For funsies.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Heel.
Lonnie: Thank you for that.
Jordan: Keep moving, fetus-face.

Elliot: I can't believe you talked me into this. I will never get this fellowship. I don't interview well. It's the reason I didn't get into Harvard. The second the professor asked me what I hoped to accomplish in college, my nose started bleeding, and I sneezed and splattered his shirt with blood.
Jake: Damn it, Elliot, how many people do you have to talk to while you're peeing before you start believing in yourself?
Elliot: You're right.
[later:]
Dr. Gold: So, why are you interested in this fellowship?
[Elliot sneezes and covers Dr. Gold in a gruesome amount of blood]
Elliot: Well, first off, I have incredible passion for the work you're doing. I've heard that you're an amazing doctor, and I would be honored to have the opportunity to work with you, Mr. Gold.

J.D.: Hooch just got in the shower.
Turk: Let the games begin.
[J.D. and Turk jump up onto the desk with popcorn]
Hooch: Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead? Huh? Did you do it? Did you?! If it happens again, I will wait in my S.U.V., blast me some speed metal, 5.1 surround sound, and someone will be getting mowed down.
J.D.: Hooch is crazy.

Elliot: Look, Carla, Jake makes me happy. Plus there's a decent chance he'll be my second serious boyfriend not to end up in bed with my mom or my brother Barry. And he doesn't always tell me what to do. I mean, sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you, but I was gonna do that anyway 'cause I wanted to ask you if I should wear hooker heels or flats with my pink skirt when we go celebrate my new job tonight.

Elliot: But instead I'm trying to figure out what your problem is.
Carla: Look, I thought you were staying, okay? I've been here for 11 years, and it's always the same story. I get really close to someone, and they move on. I don't want to be 50 making friends with the new 25-year-old interns, Elliot. They'll make fun of me when we go dancing.
Elliot: Not if I go with you. [robot dance]
Todd: And then they kiss? Sorry.

Jordan: Look at him. What an angel. [Jack spits up] Down, he's waking up.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, um... Look it, I tried to guilt you into not taking that job.
Jordan: Really? Look, I don't want to be one of those moms that never sees her kids, but I also don't want to be one of those moms that stays at home but then resents her kids 'cause she wishes she was working so she could go to an office and feel bad about not being at home with her kids. I was just worried that you would think I was a bad mom.
Dr. Cox: Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically enhanced battle-ax that I truly doubt is 100% human, but... you are an amazing mom.

Janitor: No better pick-me-up than a nice slice of mom's pie.
J.D.: Why are you so obsessed with this?!
Janitor: I don't know. I think it's 'cause this time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: [eats pie] Really. [J.D. eats pie] Huh?
[later, J.D. and the Janitor are in side-by-side bathroom stalls:]
J.D.: Who would do this to themselves?
Janitor: Totally worth it.

J.D.: [v.o.] So here I am sitting on a box in an empty apartment with a dead dog and a single tear on my cheek. I can't help but wonder how I got to this place.

Dr. Cox: Bob, this whole thing is only gonna take a couple of days, so why not let Jordan do it? Yes, she is a member of the board, but, hell, that only gets her out of the house once every couple of months or so. And I know she loves our son Jack with all her heart, but I think spending every waking moment with the child, I think... I think it's starting to get to her.
[flashback to Jordan playing with Jack in his high-chair:]
Jordan: I hate you.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: So, what do you say there, Bobo?

J.D.: Why are we lying on the parking lot?
Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious, so I lied down next to you so everyone would just think we were chilling.
J.D.: Oh, thanks, S.C.B. By the way, I should tell you something. I found an apartment. I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Turk: Wow.
J.D.: Yeah.
Turk: What does S.C.B. mean?
J.D.: Super Chocolate Bear.
Turk: I love it.
J.D.: I knew you would.