Dr. Kelso: Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 106 and I've decided that the next time you place an IV and actually hit the vein on the first try, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly. I mean, my God, woman. The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Kelso: Isn't he the blind fella?
Nurse Roberts: You mean Ray Charles.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Anyway, you're incompetent.
Nurse Roberts: Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman.

Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso, can I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God's sake, son. I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look, I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday, but then all of a... Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
Turk: Sir, you lied to us.
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I'm Bob Kelso. Nice to meet you. Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year, capiche? Now, get out of my eye line. Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks today.
Turk: How about I don't? And how about you help me out and I won't tell anybody about this? Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet.

Dr. Cox: OK. I'm Dr. Cox. This is my Gal Friday. She'll be helping me to take care of you. But before we get underway, we're gonna need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.
Mrs. Warner: You can drop the macho act now, dear. They're gone.
Dr. Cox: Act-schmact. The lips stay zipped.
J.D.: Zipped-schmipped. Oh, I thought we were riffing.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're not.
Mrs. Warner: Well, aren't you delicious? You know, if I were 20 years younger and slightly tipsy, this might be your lucky day.
Dr. Cox: Careful there, sweetcheeks. I haven't decided which way to take your temperature yet.

Mrs. Warner: Oh, great. Another sycophant.
Dr. Cox: Listen up, there, Molly Menopause. I need you to quiet the hell down. You're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my God, they're delivering a baby upstairs and the poor kid's using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in.
Mrs. Warner: Now, you listen to me-
Dr. Cox: [whistles] I mean it, sister.
Mrs. Warner: OK. From now on he's my doctor. The rest of you can get out of here.
Dr. Cox: Scram.

Doug: Um, Dr. Cox, I have a patient with blennorrhea and I was wondering if you think that is interesting enough to present to Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I'm sorry, Nervous Guy, but I just can't do your work for you. But what do you say you head on down to the library and look it up in the New England Journal of "Who Gives a Rat's Ass"? You've got to leave this instant, this second, this moment. Just go. [Doug whimpers]

Elliot: It's an amazing networking opportunity. Doesn't matter, 'cause I've got it wrapped up anyway.
Doug: Why? Do you have something better than my guy with blennorrhea?
Elliot: Doug, if I told you, you would not believe it.
[fantasy:]
Elliot: And as you can see, the ass is on the front.
[reality:]
J.D.: Front butt. It's like the grail.

Turk: Man, today could not get any worse.
Carla: If you were to change one thing about my physical appearance, what would it be?
Turk: [to the heavens] You're testing me. I get it.
Carla: Baby, you know I don't like you talking to God when we're trying to have a discussion.
Carla: Now, if I were to be really honest with myself, I would change everything. What do you think?
Turk: Why don't we just skip what I think and jump right ahead to not having sex for a month? Are all women this crazy?

J.D.: I won! Thank you, Mrs. Warner! In your face! In your face! In your... face.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno. Just remember when you are posing and prancing in front of the judges to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high, like the proud little puppy that you are. And when it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons, it will be such an exciting time for you, it really will be. But for the love of God, Newbie, you've gotta try, try, try not to squeeze out a dookie on the Astroturf. 'cause I mean, God forbid you were ever an embarrassment to Master Bob, right?

J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, ten years from now when I'm your boss, I'll go ahead and throw in a good word for you, and you won't even have to ask. Sir.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, describe the presentation of Ludwig's Angina.
Doug: Uh...
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's nothing compared to the silence you hear at work.
Dr. Kelso: Proud to have you on board, son. Anyway, I'm sending one of you to an AMA conference where you will eat free food, stay at a nice hotel, and try your darnedest not to embarrass this hospital. In the interest of fairness, I drew a name out of a hat, and that name was Elliot Reid.
Elliot: Yes! I never win at anything.
Dr. Kelso: And then I thought... Oh, who cares what I thought? The point is, you're not going. You see, it seems as though you lazybones have forgotten my edict about residents publishing case reports. That's why I've decided whoever brings me the most interesting case gets the ticket to Reno.
Doug: You know, sir, my parents live in Reno.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just great, sport. I'm sure you'll see them over Christmas.