Dr. Kelso Quote #66
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 106 and I've decided that the next time you place an IV and actually hit the vein on the first try, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly. I mean, my God, woman. The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Kelso: Isn't he the blind fella?
Nurse Roberts: You mean Ray Charles.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Anyway, you're incompetent.
Nurse Roberts: Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso, can I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God's sake, son. I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look, I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday, but then all of a... Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
Turk: Sir, you lied to us.
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I'm Bob Kelso. Nice to meet you. Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year, capiche? Now, get out of my eye line. Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks today.
Turk: How about I don't? And how about you help me out and I won't tell anybody about this? Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: OK. I'm Dr. Cox. This is my Gal Friday. She'll be helping me to take care of you. But before we get underway, we're gonna need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.
Mrs. Warner: You can drop the macho act now, dear. They're gone.
Dr. Cox: Act-schmact. The lips stay zipped.
J.D.: Zipped-schmipped. Oh, I thought we were riffing.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're not.
Mrs. Warner: Well, aren't you delicious? You know, if I were 20 years younger and slightly tipsy, this might be your lucky day.
Dr. Cox: Careful there, sweetcheeks. I haven't decided which way to take your temperature yet.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Mrs. Warner: Oh, great. Another sycophant.
Dr. Cox: Listen up, there, Molly Menopause. I need you to quiet the hell down. You're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my God, they're delivering a baby upstairs and the poor kid's using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in.
Mrs. Warner: Now, you listen to me-
Dr. Cox: [whistles] I mean it, sister.
Mrs. Warner: OK. From now on he's my doctor. The rest of you can get out of here.
Dr. Cox: Scram.
Quote from My Kingdom
Dr. Cox: I have no words.
Dr. Kelso: How about handsome? Or glorious?
Dr. Cox: And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that and the little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend. And by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep. And I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.
Quote from My Dumb Luck
Dr. Kelso: So, have you killed anyone yet?
Boon: What? No.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you will.
Dr. Kelso: It's a rite of passage for doctors. If you're lucky, it'll be a patient who's on his way out anyway. My first kill was a 19-year-old girl. She came in with severe abdominal pain. I thought it was appendicitis. Turned out, she was pregnant and didn't know it. It was ectopic and she was bleeding internally. I should have checked for that. But by the time I discovered my mistake, it was too late. Sometimes I look at this old hospital, I actually see the faces of all the patients I've lost. Booga, booga, booga!
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Priceless. But I do see them sometimes.
Quote from My First Day
J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.