[split-screen video from the psychologist's tape:]
Turk: You want me to tell you about my girlfriend?
Carla: You want me to tell you about my boyfriend?
Turk: OK. I can be myself around Carla.
Carla: Turk makes me feel completely safe and totally independent at the same time.
Turk: And it's all the same, whether I'm with her or with my boys.
Carla: I can say whatever's on my mind. And even if he doesn't like it, even if he doesn't understand it, he respects it.
Turk: Wait, don't get me wrong. I'm not gonna give my boys a back rub. I mean, sure, if a brother's got an itch, I'll scratch it, but...
Carla: He seems to like who I am.
Turk: She's a cool lady. I love her.
Carla: I love him.

Elliot: There was nothing funny about that.
J.D.: Maybe you just don't know funny. Okay, let me help you out. Silly hats are funny. ALF? Very funny! Anyone in a chicken suit... Oh, over-sized phones are funny.
Elliot: J.D.
J.D.: Hold on. [pretending to be using an over-sized phone] Hello? She's right here. It's for you.

Elliot: Look, J.D., what happened last night was a wonderful mistake. And I think it's probably best if we just go back to the way things were.
J.D.: I totally agree. [laughs]
Elliot: Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
J.D.: Tomorrow.
J.D.: [v.o.] What are you doing? Elliot's amazing and you're crazy about her. If you let her leave, I'm gonna do this all day: [singing] I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down...

J.D.: Good morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: We are short-staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scut monkeys for some psychologist's research project, give me a break, which means you won't be helping patients. Instead, you'll be blabbering about your feelings, and what it's like working in the hospital, and how that affects your personal lives and... Wah, wah, wah. And there he is now, oh, big Bobbo himself. [whistles] Okay, all nurses and interns, let's gather round and dance for the puppet master. Oh, yes, dance!
Dr. Kelso: It's not just the nurses and interns.
Dr. Cox: Don't be that guy, Bob.

Nurse Roberts: [clears throat]
Todd: Oh, no, it's cool. J.D.'s in the closet talking to a girl for me.
Nurse Roberts: White boys.
Todd: You too.

Dr. Cox: Relationships? Well, Sigmund, relationships are so... fragile. It just takes one thing, one tiny little offence, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid, you better tuck and go, my friend.

Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Barbie? You should've gotten a cardiology fellow to give Mrs. Zuckerman a trans-venous pacemaker one hour ago.
Elliot: Sir, I was waiting to see-
Dr. Cox: Oh, you were waiting. I'm sorry, that's- That's my mistake. Oh, I'm gonna wait with ya.
Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Ssh. Gotta give it time. Because, you see, when you're waiting for someone to magically get better all by themselves, the whole thing becomes about time.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart rate, which is exactly what the textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, J.D.?
Dr. Cox: [whiny] Is she right, J.D.?
J.D.: Uh, well, technically, yes. But, you know, it's really a judgment call, and if she really was that bradycardic, I probably would've called the fellow. But... I... That's me. I...
Dr. Cox: Wow. Always side with the hoochie, Newbie? It's a rookie mistake. Gosh, you hate to see it.

J.D.: Things that wouldn't have bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just think it'd be easier if you weren't friends with your girlfriend, at all.

[on psychologist's tape:]
Elliot: I've always been sure about everything in my life. I was sure that I wanted to be a doctor, and I was sure that I was gonna be married by the time I was 25. But relationships... I always heard that when they were right, they were easy. That even when things got hard... that they were easy. I don't get that at all. You know, how is that possible?
[alternating between J.D. and Elliot's interviews:]
J.D.: Am I in a relationship now?
Elliot: No. I'm not in one now.
J.D.: No.

J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, you slept with your best friend! This will be a disaster unless you say the right thing, so choose your words carefully.
J.D.: Great job last night, buddy.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oof.
[fantasy: J.D. reveals a "Girls I've Slept With" chart in the head of the bed:]
J.D.: Good thing you came along. I've been stuck on four since med school. [Elliot slaps J.D.]