Elliot: Oh, my God. I am so full. Give me another slice.
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah. Big one.
J.D.: I cannot have any more until I work off the last two slices. So what do you say? Fat, gassy, bloaty sex?
Elliot: OK. Oh, I'm gonna puke!
J.D.: I don't care.

J.D.: Okay, Mr. Lewis, I'm afraid we're gonna need another stool sample. Not for medical reasons. My robot needs food. [laughs]
Elliot: Oh, that laugh.
J.D.: But it's your laugh. I gave it to you.
Elliot: Yeah, I love it so much, I can't stop using it. [mocking snicker]
J.D.: Well, obviously it's not as charming if you're mad.

Elliot: I suck at this. Sorry.
J.D.: You look great bent over.
Elliot: I'm not being obsessive, but I rolled that damn thing exactly the way the video I bought told me to.
J.D.: Probably just a bad ball.
Elliot: You don't always have to patronize me. You can be honest with me and just tell me that I suck.
J.D.: You know what, Elliot, it's hard to be honest with you when you're so neurotic you don't even trust the computer to keep your score.

Elliot: Oh, so now I'm neurotic?
J.D.: I'm sorry!
Elliot: Is it always this hard?
J.D.: Bowling's a tricky sport.
Elliot: No, I meant-
J.D.: I know what you meant.

J.D.: Hey, I should've stood up for you with Dr. Cox.
Elliot: Yeah, you should've.
J.D.: I just don't want him to think it's about our relationship.
Elliot: Look, I know that you want Dr. Cox to respect you, but you should want me to respect you too.
J.D.: Well, if I didn't respect you, I wouldn't be having sex with you. That's not true. I totally would be.
Elliot: Look, if you can't talk about this for real then forget it.
J.D.: Oh, look, a perfect dismount off her high horse.
Elliot: If you don't like something, why don't you just say it. I mean, why do you have to hide behind your stupid little jokes?

J.D.: Why is it impossible for you to let anything go?
Elliot: I let tons of stuff go, like when you wouldn't stand up for me with Dr. Cox, or when you told everyone we're having sex.
J.D.: When- When are you letting that stuff go?
Elliot: Fine. You wanna know why I won't let that go? Because the only reason you wouldn't stand up for me is because you're terrified that someone, somewhere in the hospital won't like you.
J.D.: Oh, and that's a bad thing? That's a bad thing, Elliot? Why don't we get all my friends together in a room and we'll fight your friend.
Elliot: I'm getting so tired of this.
J.D.: Look, Elliot, this is me, okay. And there's a lot of people here who like me for who I am. I thought you were one of 'em.
Elliot: I thought I was too.

J.D.: I can't believe today's over.
Elliot: I can't believe I ate half a pizza.
J.D.: Oh, please, Elliot. I had, like, two pieces.
Elliot: If you tell anyone anything about today, please leave that part out.
J.D.: I will, 'cause I'm a gentleman.
Elliot: So... Do you think this is gonna work out?
J.D.: Yeah. I think it's gonna be great.
Elliot: I believe you.
J.D.: I believe me too.

Elliot: Why did he ask me out?
J.D.: I don't know. Because you're cute and you're fun, and I told him to.
Elliot: What?
J.D.: Plus, there's rumours going around that you're a lesbian. Look, you told me not to tell anyone about us, so maybe I just wanna make a point. And now I'm gonna kiss you.

J.D.: You OK?
Elliot: Yeah. I mean, I may eventually need a vagina transplant. [laughs]
[fantasy: two panicked E.M.T.s running into the hospital with a cold-storage box reading "vagina transplant":]
E.M.T.: Go! Go! We don't have much time!