Dr. Cox: I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story very often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time, I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest. So, I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox, and... [laughs] Oh, my God! [sighs] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: Chicks, money, power and chicks. But since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks who come sniffing around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine. And as far as power goes, well... Here I am during my free time letting some 13-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life. So here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin. Why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power?

Carla: When I was little, my mom used to have what she called "episodes". Episodes is a flattering term for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and, well, let's just say her stomach talked. Anyway, this one time, we were at the supermarket and she actually passed out. And out of nowhere, this fancy-looking guy comes forward and tells everyone to step aside and give my mother some air. And everyone did. You have to understand, in my family, nobody ever listens to a word anyone else says. Even screaming at the top of our lungs, nothing. So when this man said, "Step aside", and everyone did, I asked my aunt, "Who is this guy?" And she said he was a doctor. And I thought, "Wow. I want to be a doctor too." But when I lost my first tooth and nobody left $180,000 under my pillow, I decided to become a nurse. We do all the real stuff anyway.

Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, and not a doctor in sight. Then my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagonload. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [laughs] Jackass.