‘My Advice to You’
Season 3, Episode 6 - Aired November 13, 2003
When Carla's brother, Marco, comes to visit, a language barrier doesn't stop him from showing his disdain for Turk. Dr. Kelso tells the residents they need to spend more time with each patient, but Dr. Cox would rather they focus on a patient they might actually save. Meanwhile, J.D. meets a woman, Danni (guest star Tara Reid), at the hospital, but he's still hung up on Elliot.
Quote from Carla
Carla: Hey, those nuts are for my brother, please don't eat 'em all!
J.D.: [spits out nuts]
Turk: Hey, Baby, why you makin' such a big deal about your brother coming, anyway? He's my baby brother! I practically raised him!
Carla: Now, I want you to try and get along with him this time? If you do, I promise to fulfill that fantasy of yours but not with the weird outfit, and none of those crazy toys.
Turk: So we'd just have normal sex.
Carla: If I'm not sleepy!
Turk: Deal.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Elliot: What'd I miss?
Dr. Kelso: It's come to my attention-
J.D.: Something's come to his attention.
Dr. Kelso: ...that some family members of our critically ill patients have been complaining because of the relatively small amount of time you all spend with their loved ones. 'course, in Dr. Murphy's case that's probably a good thing.
Doug: Sir, if I could just take this chance to explain my disturbingly high mortality rate?
Dr. Kelso: Why don't I do that for you? You're a bad doctor. Now, complaints are just a stone's throw away from lawsuits, so from this point on, I don't care how bleak a patient's prognosis is, you are going to give each and every one of them the same amount of your time.
Quote from J.D.
Dr. Kelso: I know you all think of me as some heartless monster. Still, if your grandmother were here, wouldn't you want her doctor to spend as much time with her as he does with anyone else?
J.D.: Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs? Because Nana Hobbs can be an eensy bit racist.
Dr. Kelso: Grandma Dorian.
J.D.: She's dead.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: The point is, sometimes what's best for this hospital is what's best for the patients! I know it, you know it, and guess what, Dr. Cox knows it, too. Although damned if he doesn't disagree with me just because I said it.
J.D.: Sir, I don't think that's true.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, it's hotter than hell in here.
Dr. Cox: Freezing.
Dr. Kelso: Great coffee, though.
Dr. Cox: Rat piss.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy is an incompetent suck-up.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. In fact, he's one of the finest young doctors I've ever had the good fortune of working with.
Dr. Kelso: Your witness.
Quote from Turk
J.D.: [v.o.] The amazing thing wasn't that Carla's brother hated Turk.
Carla: Marco!
Marco: Carla!
J.D.: [v.o.] It was that he was able to keep it up without even speaking the same language.
Carla: [Spanish: "This is J.D. and you know Turk."]
Marco: [Spanish: "What's happening? Jackass."]
Turk: Dude, you were wearin' a vest! Vesto!
Quote from Todd
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I had my own problems. Even though she had a boyfriend, I was still crazy about Elliot. And, God bless her, she wasn't making it any easier.
J.D.: Hey. What are you doing?
Elliot: All the beds are taken. Scoot.
J.D.: Bunk with The Todd!
Elliot: J.D., you know that he is a sleep humper.
Todd: Sometimes when I'm banging this mattress, I'm thinking about banging that one!
Quote from J.D.
Elliot: [answers phone] Hello? Sean!? Where are you? The west coast of New Zealand? I'm in the on-call room! Hey, J.D.'s here! J.D., say hi!
J.D.: Hi. [hangs up] Oh! You wanted to keep talking?
Quote from Jordan
Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.
Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.
Quote from Carla
Marco: [Spanish: "Look, Mr. Shiny Head over there is pretending not to watch us. You say something and I'll laugh so he thinks we're mocking him."]
Carla: [Spanish: "Marco, I'm not going to do that."]
[Marco laughs hysterically]
Carla: [Spanish: "That's enough."]