Dr. Cox: Keep it together, pee-pants. You now have six seconds to find that soda you were holding for me.
Doug: Has anyone seen a soda? Oh, for the love of God.
Dr. Cox: [drinks soda] What is it there, Bobbo?
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry.
Dr. Cox: What did you say?
Dr. Kelso: I spoke to my cardiologist and he said if you hadn't caught my high blood pressure, and it had continued unchecked, it might have resulted in a mild case of... death.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Must fight urge to rub it in his face.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I owe you one.

Elliot: Uh, Nurse, I need clean sheets right away to room... 1000.
Paul: Oh, she's covering because she's embarrassed she likes a nurse and I really can't figure out why.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's because you're doing a woman's job, son. Have a good one.

Dr. Cox: Boy, I gotta say, your wife is hotter than I ever imagined. Meow.
Dr. Gross: Hello, Perry. You're obviously trying to bully me. But you can't bully me because I don't fear you. Now I'm leaving.
Dr. Cox: Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it, he said thank you and told me he owed me one.
Dr. Gross: You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?
Dr. Cox: Well, a resident kinda talked me into it.
Dr. Gross: Yeah, come on. You're telling me that you took the advice of another human being? This is a great moment for me.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations.
Dr. Gross: Thank you. And, Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hellhole of a hospital you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.

Janitor: [answers emergency phone] Batcave.
J.D.: Hi, yeah, I'm stuck in the elevator.
Janitor: Yeah, I'm afraid it might be a little while.
J.D.: Because you did this.
Janitor: Ah, no. I think we both know you did this to yourself. Well, I'll let you go.
J.D.: [dial tone] Hello?

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! Good to see ya.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] What the hell, he's a decent kid. Be a man and apologise to him from the heart for once.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, Lily, stop being such a complete wuss and come back to work with me.
J.D.: Fine.
Dr. Cox: Good.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Oh, just give him a pat on the back. He's been wanting it since day one. Just do it.
J.D.: [v.o.] The second Dr. Cox patted me on the shoulder I thought about how he always shows up in the nick of time.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk's relationship is so messed up right now I decided to lighten his mood. And nothing cracks him up more than the old, block-the-door-with-my-foot gag. [Carla walks into the door] Oops, wrong person.
Carla: What happened?
J.D.: The door must have got stuck. Gotta go.

Turk: Honey, I know it looked really bad last night with me and Kevin coming home liquored up with a hot chick.
Kevin was really freaking out about his divorce. I was being supportive.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, by dragging home some random bar skank?
Turk: Dude, you're not helping.
Dr. Cox: Not trying to help.

Paul: Don't you hate it when people yap away on their phones?
Elliot: She's my friend. [looks at Paul] But she is so rude.
Paul: Hey, don't you work at the hospital too?
Elliot: Yeah, I actually just got off a double shift. That's why I look so gross.
Paul: Oh, you don't look gross. And you know what, you don't even think you look gross. I'm guessing you're one of those girls who uses self-deprecation as a defense mechanism. Even though, without looking, you can tell right now how many guys are checking you out.
Elliot: OK, five.
Paul: No, actually, it's four. The guy in the mullet is checking me out. I let him buy my last two drinks. Thanks again, cowboy.
Elliot: [to the guy] Back off.

Jenny: Here you go, fellas.
Both: Thank you, Jenny.
Jenny: You're welcome.
J.D.: Yo, check out these fries. That girl is so into me.
Turk: Please, she's totally crushing on the brother.
J.D.: Why, because you're black?
Turk: Let's get one thing straight. This has nothing to do with me being black. This has something to do with me being smoother. [taps ketchup out onto his face]
Jenny: Oh, here's a towel. And here are your shakes.
J.D.: Thank you, Jenny. Hey, wait, Jenny. What flavor do you usually go for? Do you like chocolate or vanilla?
Jenny: I'm a vanilla girl. I'll go get you some more towels.
Turk: Go ahead and say it.
J.D.: [singing] She got jungle fever She got jungle fever

Turk: Baby, I have figured out what's bothering you.
Carla: Really?
Turk: Yep! You think I haven't played the field enough. I just wanted you to know, that I've had a long, productive playing career, over which time I've slept with many, many women. And by many, many women, I mean three. Take away two, equals one and that's you. Marry me? No!