Dr. Cox: Here's the deal. I want to see all of you guys at my place tonight. Even you, Zeltzer. Get there around 7:30. It's going to be great. We'll have food, booze, the whole nine yards.
Dr. Zeltzer: Will there be prostitutes?
Dr. Cox: No.
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh, oh. Good.

Carla: Come on, Elliot, so Paul's a male nurse. You're big enough not to let that bother you, right?
Elliot: I'm dating a murse.
J.D.: Better that than a mecretary. Or a manicurist. No, that works.

Dr. Cox: So see you fellas tonight, what, around 7:30? Don't be late or you won't get a seat.
J.D.: I'll bring the Fluffernutters.
Dr. Cox: Newbie. I'd invite you. Unfortunately, it's guys only.

Dr. Kelso: You and your damn physical. Thanks to the high blood pressure you found, my insurance premium is going to cost me an extra six grand this year. That's six grand my wife already spent on a new chin. If I were you, I would be planning to work every holiday from now until a few months after you're dead.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, this is your fault.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Where is he? Where is that little rat bastard?
J.D.: [hiding behind Carol] Oh, hey, pal. I'll always remember our time together. Gotta go.

Carla: Turk, will you stop? Yes, I've never been a big fan of surgeons and, yes, I worry about your maturity sometimes. I'm a worrier, it's what I do. But you have got to stop trying to pinpoint what the reason is.
Turk: Because there's so many of them, right? I mean, you don't like who I am, you don't like what I do.
Carla: C'mon, I like the way I have to stand on my tippy toes to kiss you.
Turk: It's not enough.

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Turns out last night got in my head, so this morning I swallowed my pride and asked Dr. Gross to take me back.
[flashback:]
Dr. Gross: I have a hammer in my desk.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] It did not go well.

Elliot: Cheer-up hug?
Carla: What?
Elliot: Well, when I was little and sad, my mom would always have the maid give me a cheer-up hug.
Carla: Ah, further explaining your love of the Latino people.

J.D.: I just decided to bail on Cox for a while, you know? He sees a shrink every day and is still the biggest pain in my ass.
Turk: [mouth full] Is he in group?
[fantasy:]
Therapist: Maybe it's not everybody else, maybe it's you.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Good sharing.
Dr. Cox: I see your point.
Man: That sounds right.
Dr. Cox: [hits the therapist with a chair] Anybody got anything else?
Woman: Yeah, I got one.
Dr. Cox: Come here.
[reality:]
J.D.: I don't think he'd do well in group.

Jenny: Here you go, fellas.
Both: Thank you, Jenny.
Jenny: You're welcome.
J.D.: Oh, eight strips of bacon. That girl is all about the J-Dizzle.
Turk: Oh, yeah?
J.D.: Oh, my God, it's Pancake Panda.
Turk: That's what I'm talking about.

Elliot: Listen up, everybody, I appreciate solidarity, but I did not blow off Paul because he's a nurse. So stop leaving bedpans in my locker. It makes me cry.