J.D.: [v.o.] Come on, don't get mad at Turk. What's really bugging me is that, thanks to Dr. Cox, I've got nothing to do. Nothing to talk about. No stories to tell. [slaps Turk's head]
Turk: [v.o.] From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about getting married. Luckily, Carla's being cool.
Carla: Okay, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut you went out with in high school.
Turk: She's married to my brother.
Carla: Isn't that convenient.
Turk: [v.o.] Thank God she thinks that hot chick, Tina, I invited is my cousin! Well guess what! There's no blood there, baby!
Carla: Oh, and by the way, don't think for a second that your "cousin" Tina's gonna be sitting at our table.
Turk: [v.o.] Oh, my God! She's in my head. It's okay. Use it to your advantage. Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman!
Carla: Make it yourself.
Turk: [v.o.] [screams]

J.D.: [v.o.] Today's gonna be a great day. Still, no time to dilly-dally. God, that's a fun phrase. I have to meet Dr.
Cox in five... Good God, check out those dilly-dallies. That may be the future Mrs... Ugh. Okay, back to work. Because Dr. Cox has hand-selected me to help him on a research project.
J.D.: Hey, research buddy.
Dr. Cox: We're four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
J.D.: [ding] Things Jordan says during sex! Ha!

Dr. Cox: Are those the charts I wanted?
J.D.: No. They're the charts you wanted, plus patient history charts from the last ten years, which yours truly stayed up all night organizing not only chronologically but by severity of condition. [drops the papers] There's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.
Dr. Cox: [ding] Things you say when you talk to your patients.
J.D.: Clever.

Dr. Cox: Ah, don't bother with that, Trish. You know, I've been getting my hair cut by my barber, Big Frank, for seventeen years now. Is it because his prices remained the same? No. Is it because I like the way his man-breasts feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my sideburns? A little, yes. But, mainly, it's because, unlike you, he does just exactly what I tell him to do. You see, it's either my way or the highway, and since you've already broken that dictum [claps, whistles], you're out!

J.D.: No, but wait. I already got my shifts covered for the next two days. Besides, where're you gonna find somebody else? You think Lonnie, my intern, gives a rat's ass about acute thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura?
Lonnie: ATTP? It killed my father.
Dr. Cox: You're in.
Lonnie: It is gonna be so amazing working on the disease that tore my family apart.
J.D.: Kiss ass.

Turk: Thanks for driving me to work, man.
J.D.: You kidding? I wanted to see the mailing of the invites. Once you drop those suckers in, there's no turning back. I'm just mad I forgot my camera. Or did I? Ha! Say goodbye to being single!
[fantasy: Turk opens the mailbox and is shocked to find Carla sitting there:]
Turk: Whoa!
Carla: It's okay, sweetie, just drop them in here.
Turk: I don't wanna.
Carla: If you're nervous, come here and I'll tell you a secret that'll make you feel better. Come here. Come here. Give me those invitations!
Turk: [screams]

Turk: [v.o.] Damn, Elliot's got a nice ass for a white chick! Stop it! Just 'cause you're panicked about getting married doesn't mean you have to reduce every woman to her physical attributes. Oh, great, my new scary boss and her amazing chest, butt, feet. I love feet.

Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk, this is Bryan. You'll be assisting me on his tumor debulking this afternoon.
Turk: Whassup, Bry-Bry! You, my friend, have just won the lottery. I'm not saying I'm good, but if there was a surgeon awards show around here, it'd be called The Turkies. You know what I'm sayin'?
Dr. Cox: You don't have to know what he's sayin'. None of us do.

Elliot: Mrs. Bell, your EKG showed a slight irregularity, but nothing too serious.
Mrs. Bell: Oh, good. Maybe when my husband hears that he'll stop worrying, go home and get some rest.
Mr. Bell: Hey, honey.
Elliot: Oh, and this must be your hobbit!- I mean husband, of course. Heh. I rented Lord of the Rings last night, so I would do Frodo. He's short, too.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Miller, I am attending a hospital administrator's luncheon this afternoon. I would love for you to join me.
Dr. Cox: Not so fast, there, Bob. You forgot to affix the warning label to your forehead. You know, the one that reads "Exposure to Bob Kelso can be hazardous to your health" thus affording the reader a fighting chance to escape the waste and contamination that is Bob Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Gosh, darn it, Perry, you are entertaining. You know, like Howie Mandel or a monkey in a funny hat.