Alexis: So, this is weird. Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.
Mutt: Voluntarily.
Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um, a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.

Alexis: So what's going on over there?
Twyla: I'm just working on something. Just a little thing for Mutt.
Alexis: Oh! Is it his birthday or something?
Twyla: No. Um, my dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song." He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order.

Twyla: [to David] In all honesty, Mutt was just a place holder. According to my tea leaves, the guy I'm suppose to marry is black, so...

Jocelyn: Hi. Can I ask you something?
David: Uh, that depends.
Jocelyn: How shall I put this? You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.
David: Thank you.
Jocelyn: Your floral top, for instance.
David: Is there something I can help you with?
Jocelyn: Well, there's a new kid in my school and he's having a little trouble fitting in.
David: Mm-hmm.
Jocelyn: He's also struggling with his sexuality, which I think that you may be also...
David: What can I help you with, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could come down to the school, you know, maybe talk to him and tell him that things only get better.
David: The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot. I don't-
Jocelyn: I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David. Oh, and honey, get the quilted; that other stuff will chafe you right up.

David: So I am mentoring a teen in crisis later. That's what I'm doing. One of Jocelyn's students, so... He's being bullied because he's different, so I'm helping to change his life. Giving back.
Stevie: Wow.
David: Yeah.
Stevie: And on a scale of one to ten, how much are you looking forward to that?
David: Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be because it's not everyday you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so...

Connor: Okay so you're telling me your girlfriend is on a date with someone else and, instead of doing something about it, you're here talking to me, a kid who practically has no respect for you.
David: Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy. Second of all, she is not my girlfriend. She's someone I'm occasionally having sex with because we're bored and desperate.
Connor: Ah, you're doing a friends with benefits thing with this girl. Have you not seen the 42 films they've made about it? It never works.
David: Okay, well, movies aren't always right, all right? You'll learn that later in life. I happen to be a little bit older than you are, so-
Connor: Obviously.
David: Okay. Well, I think we're good here. You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable?
Connor: I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer?
David: Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?!

Moira: Agghhhhhh! Fuck me! Fuck me!
Johnny: What?
Moira: Fuck me!
Johnny: What?
Moira: John, there's something in the bed!
Johnny: What?
Moira: Something crawled up my leg and I can't see it!
Johnny: What?
Moira: I can't see it!
Johnny: A spider?
Moira: No! Something invisible like lice, or scabies, or bed bugs!
Johnny: Oh, we don't have bed bugs.
Moira: Oh, John, I can't afford to burn all my clothes!

Alexis: Hey, Twyla. Twyla! Twyla?! [throws a muffin at Twyla] I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.
Twyla: [taking headphones off] That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning.

Johnny: So walk me through this She offered you a cheque and you turned it down?
Moira: She was insulting us!
Johnny: Moira, the woman dates dive bar owners, okay? Let her insult us. Well, I don't know whether you've noticed, but we could use the money. You talk about bed bugs? That cheque could pay for fumigation. Better yet, we could move to a place that doesn't have bed bugs.
Moira: I don't want her money. I want our money she owes us. We loaned her $50,000 dollars.
Johnny: We gave her $50,000 dollars. And you spent more than that on wigs that year.

Johnny: I don't see any one else lining up to give us cheques.
Moira: Why are you taking her side?
Johnny: I'm not taking her side, but she's offering us a way out and you're letting your pride get in the way.
Moira: It's all I have left, John, literally.
Johnny: Swallow it, Moira.
Moira: I can't.
Johnny: Yes, you can. And then we can buy a case of champagne to wash it down with.