‘Two Parties’
Season 5, Episode 10 - Aired January 17, 2013
Ann throws a bachelorette party for Leslie which gets sidetracked by Councilman Jamm's attempt to build a fast food restaurant on Lot 48. Meanwhile, Chris hosts a bachelor party for Ben, which turns into individual parties for Tom, Jerry, Ron and Andy, giving them the bachelor parties they never had.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Ann: You are sad drinking right now, and I need you to be happy drinking. Like when we watch Grease together. I know, Ann, but everything's gonna disappear. April's mini-dog park, the Li'l Sebastian fountain, even the Wamapoke playground. Yet another piece of Wamapoke land plowed over by the white man.
Ann: Just try to forget about it. I mean, there's nothing you can do to stop them tonight.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: For almost 200 years, Pawnee repeatedly built factories, restaurants, and other stuff on land held sacred by the Wamapoke people. So we passed a law saying that if any sacred Wamapoke artifact is found on a development site, all construction must immediately stop. It would be terrible if that were to happen on this future Paunch Burger site. [chuckles wickedly] Oh, this is bad. I should not have done this.
Quote from Tom
Chris: New idea! Tonight, everyone gets the bachelor party they never had. One activity per bachelor. Welcome to Tom's bachelor party, held in a white airplane hangar from the ice planet Hoth, replete with dangling, beautiful aerialists. To Tom Haverford.
Ben: To Tom Haverford! [all cheer]
Tom: Hey, hey, and to my bride, Rihanna. We truly did find love in a hopeless place. Waiter, a round of light-flash shots for me and my friends!
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: You know, I met Gayle right here at Sherm's. She was slender. Blonde hair, big breasts, long legs. Ugh, not my type at all.
Ben: And what was it, exactly, that led to you two hitting it off? Was she ill, or did your father witness her father committing a crime? Or was she temporarily blind-
Chris: You know what? All that matters is that you got married, and you're happy. So as all-time best man, I suggest we raise a cone to Jerry Gergich.
All: Jerry Gergich.
Jerry: Thank you. [drops cone] Aw, jeez.
Sherm: No worries, Garry.
Jerry: Oh, thanks, Sherm. [chuckling]
Ben: How did you have that ready so fast?
Sherm: I always make a backup cone. He drops it about half the time.
Quote from Ben
Chris: Hey, guys, I had these T-shirts made. They're not exactly a summary of the party we ended up having. But they're a good memento.
Ron Swanson: Madness indeed.
Ben: I love this! Usually you can only get board game t-shirts in XXL.
Quote from Chris
Ben: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Ben Wyatt. And Shauna Malwae-Tweep.
Ben: Hey, Shauna's doing a story on our group bachelor party. She said she wanted to write stories about good people doing nice things for each other. So I figured you two might have a lot to talk about.
Chris: You may be right about that.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Do you have a second right now?
Chris: I have thousands of seconds. Would you like to have lunch? Are you a vegetarian? A vegan? A pescatarian? Not that it matters.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Um, I like burgers.
Chris: Perfect.
Quote from Ann
Ann: Mr. Hotate, hi. Thank you for coming. Would you like some water?
Ken Hotate: Water? Like fire water? That's racist, and I do not appreciate it.
Ann: No, no, no, no, no. I-I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, you know-
Ken Hotate: I'm just messing with you.
Ann: Oh, my God! [laughs]
Leslie Knope: He's funny. This guy's funny. He does that sometimes.
Ken Hotate: But seriously. I'll have a whiskey.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Ken Hotate: What about - and I'm just spit-balling here - a large neon advertisement for the Wamapoke casino? We have a new slogan that I'm quite proud of: "Our slots are downright filthy."
April: I think it's a slam-dunk idea. I think we're done here.
Leslie Knope: I don't- I don't think we are. I don't know if we could put that in a public park.
Ken Hotate: In that case, the playground will be great. Why don't we retire to my longhouse and smoke the ceremonial peace pipe to celebrate?
Ann: [chuckles] Is he joking?
Leslie Knope: I don't know.
Quote from Councilman Jamm
Leslie Knope: Jamm, what the hell are you doing?
Kathryn Pinewood: We're laying the groundwork for Pawnee's newest restaurant.
April: "Future home of Paunch Burger. Start drooling, fatties"?
Leslie Knope: Look, the deal was that both of us had three months to get our proposals together, and then we put it up for a vote. We still have two weeks left.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, that's true. However, here's the problem. Turns out, I don't care. You can't stop this train. Make all the ruckus you want. By the time this all gets cleared up, the people will be frothing at the mouth for that beef.
Man: Aw, sweet! A new Paunch Burger.
April: Their burgers will kill you! They're full of wasps!
Man: Yeah, but they taste real good.
Quote from Ben
Ben: Oh, I'm sorry, what's this? Seven contiguous segments, giving me longest road and a sweet-ass ten points for the win. Oh, booyah!
Quote from Ben
Ben: Thanks, you guys. Thanks for indulging me. Hey, you want to stick around? I got a bunch of Homeland episodes burning a hole in my DVR.