April: "Any woman caught laughing is a witch." That's true.

Ethel: "Mr. Wyatt: Chris, for God's sake, would you mind not jumping for a while?. Mr. Trager: Sorry, Ben, but"...
[flashback:]
Chris: This is how I fight depression. Okay, fine. I'll stop.
Ben: Thank you.
Chris: Okay, so you are prepared to resign, effective immediately, and take full responsibility for all the events that transpired at Li'l Sebastian's memorial.
[cutting back and forth:]
Ethel: "Mr. Wyatt: That is correct."
Ben: That is correct.
Ethel: "Mr. Traeger: Okay, fine. This makes me sadder than I previously thought humanly possible, but I accept your resignation. Can I ask you one more question?"
Chris: Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it?
Ben: Yes. It was.
Ethel: "Because I love Leslie. I want to be with her. And I don't want to hide the way I feel about her anymore. So, yeah, it was worth it, because I'm in love with Leslie Knope. Mr. Traeger: That was beautiful. I'm literally crying and jumping. Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow. Mr. Wyatt: It's gonna be okay. Mr. Traeger:..."
Chris: [sobbing]
Ben: Oh. Let it out, I guess.
Ethel: "End transcript."

Leslie Knope: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Ben: Oh, I've had better. How about you?
Leslie Knope: I can't believe you did that for me.
Ben: Well, I was pretty sure it was gonna happen one way or the other. I hope it doesn't affect your campaign.
Leslie Knope: Don't worry about that right now. There was a piece of testimony that came out during the trial that I think you'd be interested in. Ethel? Ethel, could you please read page 132 of the official testimony? "Ethel Beavers: The official record has now annoyingly been reopened so that Leslie Knope can make a statement. Leslie Knope: Let the record state that I, Leslie Knope, love Ben Wyatt. I love him with all of my heart. Did you get that? Ethel Beavers: Yes, I got it."
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ethel.
Ethel: Can I get a ride home? It's freezing.

Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you, as you claimed, have evidence linking Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law breaking?
Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove-
Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath, and if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted.
Tammy Two: Nothing. They will definitively prove nothing. You cut me off. [chuckles] I don't have any evidence. Oh, Chris, so silly. Okay, bye, guys. Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!

Leslie Knope: The point is, Ben and I have been dating on and off for about a year.
Chris: I am, of course, shocked... And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes.
Ben: We're very sorry for the position this puts you in.
Leslie Knope: What's happening? Are you hugging me, or are we fighting? Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know.
Chris: Neither of those things. I love both of you. You are exemplary government employees.
Leslie Knope: "Exemplary"? That's the word we were thinking of.
Chris: Well, it's true.
Leslie Knope: Isn't it?
Chris: Which makes what I'm about to say even sadder.
Leslie Knope: Then don't say it.
Chris: I'm launching a full investigation into the extent of your wrongdoing. Please report Monday first thing to the council chambers for your ethics trial and subsequent punishment.
Ben: Told you we'd feel better.

Ben: It's 6:30 in the morning. Your hearing doesn't start for another two hours.
Leslie Knope: Well, I wanted to get here early, you know, get a feel of the room.
Ben: So you got here--
Leslie Knope: 3:00 A.M. I couldn't sleep anyway.
Ben: Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here, an absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible.

Leslie Knope: I wish we could go through this together.
Ben: Look, it's going to be okay. You're just gonna get a slap on the wrist, maybe a brief suspension.
Leslie Knope: That's not okay. That's gonna go on my permanent record. I'm not the kind of person that has a permanent record. For me, a slap on the wrist is like a kick to the nuts.
Ben: I know it is.

Leslie Knope: What's gonna happen to you?
Ben: Don't worry about me. Well, look, I'll be outside all day, right on the other side of that wall. So, if you miss me, you just look at this... Wrinkled, hideous monster and you'll know I'm sitting there rooting for you, okay?
Leslie Knope: Okay.

Chris: Ms. Knope, on what day did your relationship with Ben Wyatt begin?
Leslie Knope: Last May, at your request, Ben and I drove to Indianapolis to bid for the state little league tournament. The night we returned was the first time we kissed each other on each other's mouths. It was excellent. That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry. I'm nervous. [clears throat]

Allenbach: Mr. Traeger, this says you're gonna be calling 14 witnesses. Is that correct?
Chris: Uh, yes, sir.
Leslie Knope: 14? Why so many? I've already admitted that I broke your rule.
Chris: It's not my rule, Leslie. It is an important rule that exists in every government. Romantic relationships between superiors and their employees lead to fraud, corruption, and misuse of public funds.
Leslie Knope: And you think I'm guilty of that?
Chris: I think that you began your relationship with Ben Wyatt earlier than you're saying. I believe that you certainly received special treatment, and I think that you may even be guilty of bribery.
Leslie Knope: None of those things are true. And I will prove it, Mr. Traeger.