Allenbach: We are here today to determine whether Leslie Knope violated any municipal rules or laws due to her romantic relationship with her superior Ben Wyatt, whose hearing will be held tomorrow. Would you like to make a statement at this time?
Leslie Knope: Yes. I freely admit to the relationship, and I will not be fighting the charges that we violated Chris' rule. But we did nothing else wrong or unethical.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, which was a class "A" felony. Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it, and she nobly accepted her punishment. To be set adrift on Lake Michigan like a human popsicle. Look how calm she looks. That's how I feel, totally zen.

Leslie Knope: Ann?
Ann: Yeah?
Leslie Knope: I need you to text me every 30 seconds that everything's gonna be okay.
Ann: Okay.
[later:]
Leslie Knope: [cell phone chimes; Leslie gasps] Thanks, Ann!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I broke one rule, and I will accept a slap on the wrist. But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed. You go down in history as a frozen whore. I'm fighting.

Ron Swanson: There's a rumor going around that Chris has a killer witness.
Leslie Knope: How? Why? That makes no sense. There's no killer witness, because we didn't do anything wrong, unless someone's planning to lie or slander us. Okay, just to be safe, find out who it is and silence him.
Ron Swanson: With pleasure.
Leslie Knope: Wait. Let me make it clear. Don't silence him. Just make sure he can't talk.

Chris: How long were you two lovers?
Tom: Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: Oh, God.
Chris: Last march, I witnessed Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford engaged in a passionate yet tender kiss. It seems that Ms. Knope has a pattern of becoming involved with her co-workers.
Leslie Knope: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?
Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up. So, as a joke, I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as a joke... To shut me up.
Leslie Knope: But we never had any other romantic contact after that.
Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
Leslie Knope: No, it wouldn't.

Andy: Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it. I took it home, and I spaced. I forgot. I'm gonna bring it back. It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.
Chris: What laptop?
Andy: Objection.

Leslie Knope: Maybe because it was an office. City Hall was being fumigated, and we need to pull an all-nighter. The only thing that was ravaged were these federal grant proposals that Donna had dropped off earlier.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order, and it's paying off big-time.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: And by the way, we got the gramps-- grants. God! Oh. It was gonna be such an awesome moment.

Leslie Knope: So, Ethel, you've been to a million of these ethics trials. What do you think my chances are?
Ethel: I'd say it's 50/50. You want to put money on it, I'll give you 60/40 against.
Leslie Knope: Is it ethical for a court stenographer to bet on the outcome of a hearing?
Ethel: You tell me. You're the one on trial.

Leslie Knope: Tammy Two is your killer witness? Please! You're gonna have to do better- Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath who could say or do anything. A pretty good killer witness.

Leslie Knope: Does anyone have anything? Did anybody find anything good?
Ron Swanson: In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions except for missionary. And two years later, they banned missionary.
Tom: 1882, should a Presbyterian speak out of turn, he may be caned across the shinbone.
Donna: Oh, my God. Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.