Leslie Knope: Are you going to wear that shirt?
Tom: Yeah. You like it?
Leslie Knope: Tommy Hilfiger?
Tom: No. Tom Haverford. I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed.
Leslie Knope: Here you go.
Tom: Everyone thinks it's Tommy Hilfiger.

Leslie Knope: Andy. Come here.
Andy: Oh, hey, you guys. What are you doing here? It's so good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Ssh. Quietly.
Andy: What happened?
Tom: You're living in the pit now?
Andy: For now, yeah. It's awesome. Somebody just planted a garden down there. Fruits and vegetables, so I'm getting a lot of vitamins...

April: Do you need a ride to the hospital?
Ron Swanson: Yes, please.
April: Okay. But I rode my bike here, so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon.
Ron Swanson: Thank you.
April: Bye. [makes footstep noises on the spot]
Ron Swanson: Are you still here?
April: Yeah. I just wanted to see if you could tell. [exits]
Ron Swanson: Are you still here?

Leslie Knope: I just hope that Ann and Mark got home okay. That's all that matters, you know? That Ann is home and she's okay. And that Mark is also okay and he is in his home. Just important that they're both in their homes...
Tom: Leslie, Mark's an idiot. You can do a lot better than him. Forget about him.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, Tom.
Tom: I didn't mean me. Keep it in your pants, Knope.

Leslie Knope: What a crazy night. Huh, partner? Want to go get some breakfast?
Tom: What? No! Take me home. What's wrong with you?
[When Leslie starts the car, "Every Breath You Take" by The Police plays on the radio]
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe this is on. I wonder if mini golf is open.
Tom: Home!

Leslie Knope: I swear to God, it actually... It was there...
Dave Sanderson: These are carrots.
Leslie Knope: Duh! You don't think I know the difference between carrots and marijuana?
Dave Sanderson: Is that the house there, where your best friend lives? Where she saw the van from?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Dave Sanderson: Okay. I get it.
Leslie Knope: What?
Dave Sanderson: Well, you wanted to check up on your friend and that guy, your ex, so you made up a story about weed so you could stake out their date.
Leslie Knope: No, I did not. There actually was weed here...
Dave Sanderson: It's okay. I think it's kind of cute.
[aside to camera:]
Dave Sanderson: I like Miss Knope. I liked her. I got to say, I... When I first met her I didn't care much for her, because like 99% of the people in any given day of my life, she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Miss Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. Can we not... I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Leslie Knope: We have a criminal emergency on our hands. Someone planted a gateway drug in the community garden.
Ron Swanson: Okay. Call the cops.
Leslie Knope: That'll leak to the press. Then there'll be an investigation, and they'll find my fingerprints on the manure, and then we'll lose our funding.
Ron Swanson: You don't have funding.
Leslie Knope: And we never will if this gets out. Look, I will call the cops, but just give me one day to deal with this internally, okay?
Ron Swanson: Sure.
Leslie Knope: Thank you. And listen, if this thing blows up, I was never here.

Leslie Knope: We need to find out who we're dealing with. Who is this person? Who is this kingpin?
Tom: It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie, who likes to get high, and make his Transformers look like they're having sex together.

Leslie Knope: You know, if we catch him, then we avoid a scandal. 'Cause we flip the headline, and it's not "Community Garden Infested With Pot." It's "Brave Public Servants Rid Neighborhood of Drugs, Earn Praise from Mayor, comma, Everyone." We got to catch this guy. Get the van, meet me at 7:00. It's stakeout time.

Ron Swanson: April?
April: Yeah?
Ron Swanson: Get my lunch for me, please.
April: Okay. Like, order you something?
Ron Swanson: No, get it. From there. [points to the other side of his desk]
April: Is this some kind of weird power trip?
Ron Swanson: Please. [April moves the food closer to Ron] Thank you. That'll be all.
April: You're welcome.
[Ron picks up a burger with one hand. He flips it towards his face and misses.]