Leslie Knope: Oh, I need to pull it together. My slot's coming up.
Ann: Hey, before you go on, can I just talk to you about something?
Leslie Knope: [cell phone rings] Uh, wait a minute. Sorry. It's Tom. He may have a Schrempf problem.

Leslie Knope: [answers phone] Hey, hi. Are you on your way?
Tom: The snakehole is booming! People are loving Detlef Schrempf. I had no idea professional athletes were so popular.

Leslie Knope: Um, Andy, I know I told you that you were going on at 3:00 am after the Detlef Schrempf Interview and career retrospective, but you're going on now. You're kicking things off.
Andy: Whoa. Sweet. Headlining.
April: Yeah, at 2:00 on cable access.
Andy: Yeah. Let's go.

Leslie Knope: So how are things going with you two?
April: They're going really well. We're gonna get married. And I'm pregnant with his child.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, okay, slight hiccup, but we're back on track. See the board? When my shift is done, that board is gonna read $20,000.
Jerry: [answers phone] Pawnee cares.
Leslie Knope: [softly] Hi, yes, I'd like to donate $50, please.
Jerry: Mm-hmm. Leslie?
[Leslie hangs up]

Guitarist: Okay, that was the national anthem of Canada. And now I'm going to see how long I can hold a d-chord. [strums d-chord loudly]

Leslie Knope: April, will you call some of the rec center teachers and see if they want to come on down and show off their special skills? Yes. Nod your head "yes."
Jerry: I can do magic. [spits up] Egg, milady?
Leslie Knope: Jerry, that's disgusting and fake! [broke egg] Oh, my god. It's real. Go up there and do that.
Jerry: I--you broke my egg.
Leslie Knope: You don't have a second egg?
Jerry: No, but I'm a very good piano player. I'd be happy to go up there and give it a shot.
Leslie Knope: Why are you wasting my time? This is really serious!

Ron Swanson: You go keep your eye out for Tom. I got this covered.
[on TV:]
Ron Swanson: When re-caning an old chair, one needs to make sure that one has all the right elements In place. Over. Under. And... You guessed it. Over.
April: God, he's actually losing money.
Ron Swanson: Over. Under. This chair's almost caning itself.

April: No, sir. If you want to make a donation, you have to-- [sees Andy] Yeah, that sounds really cool. You sound cool. You sound really strong. Hey, why don't you forget about the donation and just come down here and meet me in person. What? [fake laughter] Oh, my God. You're so...Funny and you're--funny. Bye. [hangs up] Hey.
Andy: Hey. Funny girl you were talking to?

Barney: When it comes to preparing taxes...
Leslie Knope: Oh, my god. This is a disaster.
Barney: The only thing that's taxing Is deciding which software to buy.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I am completely screwed. I have no Schrempf, no backup plan, no more nutriyum bars. What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike? No time to train one. Hot people kissing? I don't know, maybe mark and Ann would... [gasps]