Joan Callamezzo: Oh, so, Leslie, I hear you're gonna be in front of the camera this year.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. It's exciting.
Joan Callamezzo: Cut the chatter. Telehosting not as easy as it looks, okay? This isn't C-Span. This is Local Access 46. [clicks tongue] Don't blow it.

Joan Callamezzo: Diabetes. Yuck. Tonight we're hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-sized pockets and donate generously.
Martin Housely: [as Johnny Carson] Weird, wacky stuff.
Joan Callamezzo: [whispers] Stop it.
Martin Housely: Coming up, a very special video presentation called "Even My Tongue is Fat: The Story of Pawnee." But right now, to begin with, let's start things off on our telethon with a song. From Pawnee's most bookable personality, Denise Yermley!
[Piano plays "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"]

Mark: I have my grandma's ring. I guess I could go home and get it.
Leslie Knope: Is there a story behind it? Was she on the titanic? [gasps] Was she on the titanic?
Mark: No. She was just my grandma.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: It would make a great story. I trust Leslie. I don't know. What do you think I should do?

Leslie Knope: Well, this year, I get to program my own four-hour block. I know. Exciting. So, um, I've signed you all up for multiple shifts. Yeah. Just to answer phones and provide moral support.
Tom: From when to when?
Leslie Knope: Tonight. [whispers] from 2:00 am to 6:00 am.
All: What?
Jerry: Leslie, please. Tonight's kind of a big night. You know, all my kids are away and...
Tom: Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night! That ruins sex and tonight.

Leslie Knope: Salad sucks. There. I said it.
Mark: Feel better?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.

Leslie Knope: Okay, you're in charge of the v.I.P. Special telethon guest. And you're never gonna believe who I got. People are gonna freak out.
Tom: Rihanna.
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: Dr. Oz.
Leslie Knope: No. You're never gonna guess.
Tom: Justin Bieber.
Leslie Knope: No. Ex-Indiana pacers small forward Detlef Schrempf.
Tom: The Detlef Schrempf?
Leslie Knope: I know! So it's really exciting.

Jerry: Leslie, you know what, my phone has 25 lines. I think it might be a switchboard.
Leslie Knope: Congratulations then. You got the most lines. Figure it out, Jerry.
April: Come on, Jerry.
Jerry: [softly] Everyone else has one line.

Joan Callamezzo: Good evening and welcome to the 10th annual Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon. I'm Pawnee today's Joan Callamezzo.
Martin Housely: [as Nixon] And I am not a crook. Brr.
Joan Callamezzo: No, he's not.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Clipboard mouth. Clipboard mouth.

[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: There's some secret ingredient in these nutriyum bars that make me feel so good.
[separately to camera:]
Ann: Sugar. It's a block of sugar.