Leslie Knope: Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to ascertain the whereabouts of some oversized ceremonial scissors.

Penny: Okay, can anyone tell me what this is called?
Andy: Uh, that's a fret.
Penny: Yeah.
Andy: And that little thing you got right there, that's called a capo. Changes the key.
Penny: Uh, maybe you should be in the advanced class?
Andy: [laughs] Yeah, maybe I should.
April: Dude, dumb it down.
Andy: But I couldn't possibly, because I'm just a beginner. I barely haven't even ever seen a "gortar."

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] As a mature, reasonable adult, I understand that this will be the last project that Ben and I are working on together. So please join us for the grand opening of Pawnee's Smallest Park on November 12th, 2070.

Woman: Is there going to be basketball there? Basketball courts attract undesirables to my community.
Ben: Well, there's barely room for an actual basketball, much less a court.
Woman: Because there's a definite type of person I associate with basketball, and I'd rather not have that type of person nearby.
Ben: Don't worry. You don't need to worry.
Woman: Okay, I'll just come right out and say it. I'll tell you what type of person I don't like.
Ben: You don't have to do that. No, no, no, no. I think we get it.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, we do, Rose, and you bring up a very good point. Intolerance. Can we be doing more? I'd like to hear from each and every one of you about a time when prejudice has touched your lives.

Professor Barnes: Hello, everyone. My name is Professor Barnes. The class I'll be teaching this semester is introduction to lasers. The word "laser" stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation.
Andy: Where are the lasers?
Professor Barnes: This graphic here represents the electromagnetic spectrum arranged from low frequency...
Andy: He's not even using a laser pointer.
April: He's right. This class stinks.
Ron Swanson: Stick with it. You might learn something.
Andy: Uh, excuse me. Professor? Hi, there. Andy Dwyer. Curious. When will you be bringing out the lasers for me to play with? And will we start with the small lasers, or could we go just straight to the big lasers, in terms of playing with them?
Professor Barnes: We won't be using actual lasers in this course. It's about the theory that makes them possible.
Andy: One of the most significant bummers of my lifetime.

Leslie Knope: Thank you, ma'am. What a story. Anyone else? Anyone... Uh, this gentleman wants to say something.
Man: No, I don't.
Leslie Knope: Come on, Mel. You're always up in arms about something.
Man: No, I'm not. I'm not always up in arms about something.
Leslie Knope: There we go. That's the spirit. Talk to me about what's bothering you.
Ben: Okay, that'll do it. Thanks, everybody.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I once hosted a forum about a new bike rack that lasted seven hours. Now when I need these people to complain, they're done in 45 minutes?

April: Whoa, check it out. You can get credit for playing intramural frisbee golf.
Ron Swanson: Okay, you can take a class on the Civil War.
Andy: Why would I take a class on something that's already happened? Look, you guys have already had your say. Now I want to try something that I want to try. And I'm gonna make my choice as I always do, at random.
[cut to:]
Professor Linda Lonegan: As she was burned at the stake, Joan of Arc did not cower. She did not beg for mercy. She said, in a strong, clear voice, "I am not afraid. I was born to do this."
April: I want to be burned at the stake.
Professor Linda Lonegan: Many societal institutions were established solely to oppress women. To this day, some feminists have even condemned marriage as a glorified form of slavery.
Ron Swanson: Amen.

April: That class was awesome.
Ron Swanson: I wholeheartedly agree. If that woman weren't so violently opposed to marriage, I think I would propose to her.
Andy: Well, then, it's decided. Andy Dwyer will be taking "Women's Lasers."
April: "Women's Studies."
Andy: Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers. "Women's Studies." Is there such thing as "Women's Lasers"? That'd be my number one pick.

Jerry: I have been here, well, thirty-some years, and the best way to cope with this job is to do everything the exact same way every day. Heck, I still use my original I.D. Card from my first day on the job. Check this out.

Ron Swanson: Good news, son. You have just won a Ron Swanson scholarship.
Andy: I don't think so. I don't remember applying for--
April: No, An--Andy. Ron Swanson... [whispers] Scholarship.
Andy: Wait, are you serious? [Andy hugs Ron]
Ron Swanson: Stop this.
Andy: No.
Ron Swanson: Stop, or you lose the money.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Why not? I like the kid, and I have the money. One thing I promised myself when I buried gold in my backyard was that I'd never be a hoarder or a miser about it.