Leslie Knope: Perhaps you might understand it better if I read to you from this pamphlet, "So You Think You Know More Than God". "Our bodies are God's gift, but they're also the devil's playground. The devil likes to hide in all your private nooks and crannies, and if you open too wide, he might get out, or in." What--?
Gretl: Can we just see the condom demonstration again? 'Cause I don't know where Lou has been.
Leslie Knope: Well, I-I wish I-I could, but I-- Oh, screw it. Okay, here. This is a penis, right? You put a condom on it, and you pull the tip like this, and you roll it all the way down the penis. Tell you what, condoms for everybody! Who wants some? Safe sex for everybody! [cheering and commotion] Hey! Hey, who wants to party?

Tom: I'm sorry I crashed your car. Please forgive me, Ron. Please, Ron? Please? What are you doing? Are you going to kill me?
Ron Swanson: Why do you need to be constantly distracted, Tom?
Tom: The truth is I spend a lot of time looking at screens because recently, a lot of the stuff in my real life isn't going that great. So I'd rather play Doodle Jump then think about that. Okay? I'm sorry, I really am.
Ron Swanson: Go sit in your office while I consider whether to turn you in to the judge. And while you're there, neither doodle nor jump.

Perd Hapley: The story of that commercial break is it's over. Leslie, what exactly does "censure" mean?
Leslie Knope: It means that I have been formally disciplined for breaking the law.
Perd Hapley: Well, you know what they say, "You break it, you buy it."
Leslie Knope: That doesn't really apply here.
Perd Hapley: Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside.

Leslie Knope: Perd, I'd like to apologize.
Marshall Langman: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Apologize for the antiquated laws in this city. States that teach abstinence-only have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and STDs. To continue this policy is insane. Look, we all want the same thing, right? We want fewer unwanted pregnancies and fewer STDs. Why don't we use every weapon that we have? I know that most of you don't agree with me on this, but I'm going to fight very hard to change your minds, and until then, I will take this censure, and I will wear it proudly, like a badge of honor.

Perd Hapley: Wow, strong words from a woman who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer. Next up on the program, we hear from you, our fans, in our new segment, "Are you there, perd-verts? It's me, Perd, hosting a new segment."

Ann: Howdy.
Leslie Knope: Hey! What's with the get-up?
Ann: I just got back from that Dude Ranch with Ricky. It was really fun. He bought this for me as a gift.
Leslie Knope: A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend. Oh, that makes it sound like he's a cow. From your cowboy boyfriend. Your boycow-cowboy.
Ann: Just call him "Ricky."
Leslie Knope: Okay, great.

Ben: Oh, well, I really feel like I know you already. I've watched all of your speeches and debates. It's very inspiring.
Congressman Murray: Thank you, Ben. And thank you all for your hard work. Now, stay cool. It's a hot one out there today. [laughs]
April: That's right, you could practically cook an egg on the sidewalk.
Congressman Murray: [chuckles] Terrific.
Ben: Okay, let's make sure we're ready for the strategy session tomorrow. Okay?
April: Okay. Hey, we're still gonna assassinate him, right?
Ben: Don't say that.

Andy: Are these old people really having sex with each other?
Donna: Yeah, what'd you think they were doing?
Andy: I don't know, I thought we were just talking about it. Oh! [disgusted laugh]

Leslie Knope: And the best way to prevent them is to use protection.
Marvin: Well, that's all fine and good, but what if the banana is soft and mushy, and doglegs sharply to the left?
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Andy: [shudders]

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Marcia and Marshall Langman are the town's morality watchdogs. Marcia is motivated, calculating, and hyper-vigilant, and her husband, Marshall, is... vivacious.