Tom: [groans] I'm so bored.
Ron Swanson: I have something for you, son.
Tom: My iPhone?
Ron Swanson: No. I am giving you a non-electronic book made of paper from a tree. It is called Auto Repair Manual: 1982. You will read this book from cover to cover, then you will assist me in repairing the damage to my car. I will not report you to the judge, but if you slip up again, you will have much more to fear than some feeble government employee in a robe.
Tom: Thanks.
Ron Swanson: Two more things. When you do get your phone back, you will not stare at it when you're talking with another human being. Look a man in the eye when you speak with him. And second, if you ever need to discuss your problems with someone... find Leslie. She lives for that crap. Get to work.

Judge Lankito: Mr. Haverford, you have a problem keeping your eyes on the road and off your electronic devices. I'm going to tailor a punishment to fit the crime. One week without screens. No phone, tablets, computers, television--anything.
Tom: No! Please, send me to jail!
Judge Lankito: Any slipups, and that week becomes a month. Turn in your phone, please. [bangs gavel]
Tom: Fine. One last tweet?
Judge Lankito: Bailiff!
Tom: Pr-press send, bailiff! Press send!

Leslie Knope: Okay, sex avengers, these old fogies are very set in their ways. They're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose, 'cause they're close to death.
Ann: Also, seniors can be pretty ornery.
Andy: Uh, actually, I think it's pronounced "horny."

Leslie Knope: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people, and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [old lady voice] I'm an old lady, why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.
Ann: Well, with the elderly, we are not so concerned with pregnancy. We're more concerned with disease.
Andy: [old man] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
Ann: I don't think so, no.
Andy: [whispering] Because that's happening to me. What should I do?
Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
Andy: I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
Leslie Knope: I think you're good to go, nursey. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!
Ann: You should never eat lube, you need to see a doctor immediately, and I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 to ride this train.
Leslie Knope: Oh! That's how you do it, kids.

Tom: "LeRon James." We still on for breakfast?
Ron Swanson: You are an hour and a half late for work.
Tom: Yeah. Sorry. I can't use my GPS, but I figured it out. I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar.
Ron Swanson: You live 3 miles from here.
Tom: 3.4, according to my GPS, which I used to use every day.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I can't use screens for a week. Big deal! I'm adapting. I built a real-life Pinterest board. I really wish you could click those.

Leslie Knope: Hello, can everyone hear me okay?
All: No.
Leslie Knope: Okay, great. I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope, and today we are here to talk about safe sex. I know this is a personal question, but how many of you out there are sexually active? [all hands go up] Oh, my.
Gretl: I have two partners, often at the same time.
Leslie Knope: Wow. Thank you. Does anyone know what we risk when we have unprotected sex?
Marvin: Heart attack.
Gladys: Falling in love.
Barry: Partner dies on top of you!
Leslie Knope: Yes, but the truth is, the greatest risk you face is sexually transmitted diseases.

Tom: I'm going crazy, Ron! Life without screens is pointless. I made an iPhone out of paper. It's not the same, though.
Ron Swanson: This is the work of a lunatic. You need to detox. Tomorrow, we'll go to my cabin in the woods. It's so far away from civilization, the electric company is not even aware there's a structure there.
Tom: [sighs] Thanks, Ron. And hey, can you give me a ride after work? There's no chance I can find my way home.

Marshall Langman: [camp voice] This, that's happening here, is not allowed!
Marcia Langman: We at the Society for Family Stability Foundation object to this smut being taught. It's against Pawnee's abstinence-only sex education law.
Ann: That's only for schools.
Chris: Actually, it's not. The way the bill is drafted prohibits any government employee from teaching anything but abstinence, city-wide.
Marshall Langman: Thank you, Chris.
Chris: You're welcome.
Marcia Langman: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors, the next you thing you know, it'll be in our high schools, then our kindergartens, and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?
Leslie Knope: Yes, that's what I want.
Marshall Langman: Ladies and gentlemen, this vulgar sex show is over. Please forget everything this horrible woman has told you.
Leslie Knope: It is not over. It is far from over. Andy, pack up our bananas!

Tom: This is a great idea. Fresh air, no screens. I'm getting really good at chopping wood too.
Ron Swanson: You're a regular Paul Bunyan.
Tom: Ow! I got stung by the wood! Oh, no, it's a splinter. I need to get on WebMD now! I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, something with 4G. There's no time for the edge network. What are you doing? Wha--? W-w-waa!
Ron Swanson: Got it.
Tom: I still think we should find a computer and Google "sterilization techniques."

Marcia Langman: [sings to synth music] I'm Marshall Langman and I'm here to say That sex before marriage is never the way I waited till marriage and then some to do it If you decide to sin, you'll rue it!. Word.
Marcia Langman: Whoo! Whoo!
Leslie Knope: Thank you very much, Marshall. Hello, my aged friends. Some of you might remember that I was here before.
Barry: I don't remember that.
Leslie Knope: Well, I was. But I have a new message for you. The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex until marriage.
Gladys: I am not going to be told not to have sex by someone who's ten years my junior.
Ann: Amen, Gladys. You're right! Not about the age thing, about the other thing.