Joan Callamezzo: Guess who?
Tom: Uh... Megan Fox? One of the Desperate Housewives?
Joan Callamezzo: No, Joan Callamezzo.
Tom: Hey, Joanie! What's up, gorgeous? Good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Tom comes on the show all the time. Joan loves him.
[TV clip:]
Tom: You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.
Joan Callamezzo: Thank you.
Tom: I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second.
Joan Callamezzo: That's sweet. You'd have a treat. You're pretty soft yourself.
Tom: How are your kids doing?
Joan Callamezzo: They're pretty good.
Tom: Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful? What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee?
Joan Callamezzo: You keep up those funnies, I'm gonna have to invite you over for supper.
Tom: Well, I'll have to come over for supper.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh! You must.

Andy: [aside to camera] And the hardest part about living in this pit is probably keeping my suit pressed. And the rats. It's like a freaking rat parade every night. I just want to be close to her house, because I need to protect her. 'Cause there are some weird people that live around here.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] So, I transferred the penguins to a zoo in lowa. Gay marriage is legal there, so hopefully, they'll be happy. At least they'll be together. [mists the penguins in the back seat] Oh, look! Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide. They might die. But it would be so cute!

Leslie Knope: Tux, do you take Flipper, to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do! I do! By the power vested in me from the Department of Parks and Recreation, I now pronounce you husband and wife! Oh! Okay, well, at least they're married.
Boy: Are they making babies?
Norm: Well, not those two. Those are both boy penguins.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry?
Norm: Tux and Flipper are both boys. So you should have pronounced them husband and husband, technically.
April: That's awesome.
Leslie Knope: Still, you couldn't have asked for better weather.

Leslie Knope: I know that you are not gay.
Tom: No, I'm not.
Leslie Knope: But you're effeminate.
Tom: What?
Leslie Knope: Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it.
Tom: Yes, 'cause it was featured in Details magazine. And it's awesome.
Leslie Knope: Effeminate. Anyway, so the point is, do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.

Leslie Knope: So what can I do for you guys?
April: They just really wanted to meet you, because you're kind of like their hero now.
Leslie Knope: Oh, oh, April, please, it was just penguins.
April: No!
Leslie Knope: I'm a public servant, and I'm not allowed to take a political stance.
Ben: But you did, and it was awesome.
Derek: Yeah. None of the other politicians ever take a stand, and it means a lot to the whole gay community.
April: It does, and we're gonna have this party tomorrow night at The Bulge, and we had something to ask you. We really want you to be the guest of honor.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my.

Derek: It'd be amazing if you came.
April: Yeah, you have to come.
Leslie Knope: Who made this?
All: We did.
Leslie Knope: How?
April: Photoshop.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ben: Computers.
Leslie Knope: Oh.

Ron Swanson: Leslie, this is Marcia Langman from the Society For Family Stability Foundation.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello. I love your top.
Marcia Langman: Oh, thank you so much. I was just hoping you had a moment to discuss the events at the zoo yesterday.
Ron Swanson: Well, I have nothing to do with this, so... [exits]
Leslie Knope: Well, what can I do for you and those fine people at the SFSF?
Marcia Langman: Well, you could resign, if you're up for it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you're serious?
Marcia Langman: When you performed a marriage for gay penguins, using taxpayer money on government property, you were symbolically taking a stand in favor of the gay marriage agenda.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm sorry, but hold on a second there, Marcia. That was not my intention, at all.
Marcia Langman: Well, why else would you marry penguins?
Leslie Knope: Because I firmly believed that it would be cute. And it was.
Marcia Langman: Leslie, are you married?
Leslie Knope: No. Not yet, Marcia. Soon, probably. I have a plan, but, no, not now. Not dating anyone yet. Focusing on my career.
Marcia Langman: I thought so. So you couldn't possibly understand, but when gays marry, it ruins marriage for the rest of us. So, either you annul the wedding, or I'll publicly ask for your resignation. You know what? I'm so terrible with directions. If I'm headed to the parking lot, do I make a left out of here, or do I go right?
Leslie Knope: It's a left, yeah.
Marcia Langman: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: You're welcome.
Marcia Langman: Annul the wedding!

Mark: Hey, have you seen that documentary about food yet?
Ann: No, I haven't. But I heard it's really good. I want to see it.
Mark: We should go together.
Ann: What? Yeah, no. I don't think so. That would be like a date.
Mark: Okay. Say no more.

Leslie Knope: Mmm. I hate salad.
Ann: Leslie, I don't want to ever keep secrets from you.
Leslie Knope: Oh, me, neither. Look, let's invent our own secret language that only we understand. And then we can use it around people and no one will know what we're talking about.
Ann: Okay.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Ann: But in the meantime, I'm just gonna tell you in English. Uh, Mark kind of asked me out. He weirdly asked me to go see a movie with him, and I said no, of course, but I just... I just wanted to let you know.
Leslie Knope: I'm feeling a lot of confusing things right now.
Ann: Yeah. No, of course you are. And your friendship is the most important thing to me. And he's off-limits.
Leslie Knope: Thank you. I just want to let you know, I was really serious about that secret language.
Ann: I know.