Ben: So what do we got so far? We need big-ticket items.
April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.
Ben: That's great, April. How'd you do that?
April: It's a long story, but the short version is, I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
Donna: I'm getting a picture of you volunteering at a public elementary school in case I ever need to blackmail you.

Leslie Knope: Okay, there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert, right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean, hey, you're looking at a woman who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.
Ben: We're screwed.
Leslie Knope: No, we're not, we have three weeks until the concert. It'll be fine.
Ben: No, not the concert. The triple cherries. I mean, of course it's the most amazing and wonderful thing to ever happen, but, okay, I am an accountant, and I am looking a cold, hard facts. Raising three kids is going to cost $2 million.
Leslie Knope: Babe, our kids will be geniuses. They'll get scholarships. Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana scholarship for pretty blondes who like to read. It's now called the Virginia Woolf prize. Different time.

Ben: [aside to camera] This is insane. Three kids? I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to relax?
Leslie Knope: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?
Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing, and I love you. [to camera] We are so [bleep] screwed.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] We're throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity concert, and we're gonna need it too, if I'm gonna perform Islands In the Stream with a Sacagawea hologram. Plus, we need lights, generators, microphones, water, that boring stuff too.

Ben: Andy, hey, you haven't told anyone about the baby, right?
Andy: No, but my brain is about to explode from stress. I am not good at keeping secrets. That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.
Kyle: Andy, come on!
Andy: Ah! See? Oh!
Kyle: Not cool, man.
Andy: Not him, not that Kyle.
Leslie Knope: Okay, we are going to have a doctor's appointment, and then after that, we can probably tell people. So just hang in there, please.
Andy: I can do this. People do this. People keep secrets. My neighbor Eric-- he's kept a secret for 20 years. He's in Witness Protection. [faints]

Dr. Saperstein: All right. Let's see what's going down in baby town. There's your healthy baby.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow.
Dr. Saperstein: Oh, and there's another one.
Ben: The baby has two bodies?
Leslie Knope: Twins. Ben, we're having twins. [laughs]
Dr. Saperstein: No, you're not, 'cause look who's hiding over here.
Leslie Knope: Triplets? Triplets?
Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth. I'm so sorry, no. It's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. [Ben sighs] Just triplets. Wow, you guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at one time? Ha, a nightmare.
Ben: Triplets.
Leslie Knope: Triplets.

Ben: [aside to camera] Leslie is already the queen of stress, so I have to be like her stress shamwow. I wrap myself around her, I soak up all of her stress, and then after the kids are born, someone can squeeze me out into a bucket.

April: So, um, Andy told me what's going on.
Jerry: Really? Oh. I was trying to keep it hush-hush. It's kind of embarrassing.
April: Well, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here for you. Or, like, you know, I'm here, standing near you.
Jerry: Well, earlier today, I was licking icing off of my finger, and then, boom, I swallow my wedding ring. And I wish I could say it was the first time, but--
April: Wait, wait, wait. So you're not, like, dying?
Jerry: No, no, no, I mean, can it be painful? Sure, but the good news is, I've gotten very good at passing it. It's just a matter of getting out the old colander.

April: So I've been talking to Larry, and he's definitely not dying.
Andy: Technically, we're all dying, unless you choose the right grail. It's the dusty one.