Chris: You are going to love this. Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon. Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it.
Ann: Are we actually ever gonna drink it, or we're just gonna sniff it? I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong.
Chris: You are hilarious.

Ann: So you're leaving soon.
Chris: Um, back to Indianapolis briefly and then on to a town called Snerling, Indiana, for several months.
Ann: Never heard of it.
Chris: It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people 40 to 1. It sounds amazing.

Ann: I like you a lot. I love spending time with you.
Chris: And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins.
Ann: I just think we need to talk about what that means for us. I don't want to be clingy. I...
Chris: Please, it is something that we need to figure out, and we should do that right now.
Ann: I'm so happy you said that. [drinks tea] Wow, that's disgusting.
Chris: Yes, it's very hard to drink. [continues drinking]

Ben: [on tape] If I thought you were serious, I'd be offended, Perd, but I know that we're buddies, and I know you wouldn't do that to me. But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd, okay? This is the little scar I got when I was nine and I fell off my bike, so, no, I'm not perfect!
Tom: I can't look away. It's a... it's amazing.
Ben: Okay, wait, wait, wait, no. Here's the best part.
Perd Harpley: Okay, uh, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard. I'm Perd Hapley, Channel 4.
Ben: [on tape] More like "Turd Crapley."

The Douche: All right, switching gears here now. We got Leslie Knope and Tom Haverfart... [fart sound] And, uh, Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
Leslie Knope: Well, the Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome... Meets agriculture. And it is going to be next month right here in Pawnee. And spoiler alert, it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche?
The Douche: Oh, that's right, to your mom.

Crazy Ira: So this guy, Ben Wyatt, we're looking him up on Altavista. He's from some hick town... Partridge, Minnesota... and when he's 18, he's elected mayor. [patriotic music, fart sound
Ben: That's funny. That's funny.
The Douche: He's 18, becomes the mayor, and then blows the whole budget on an ice-skating rink. City goes bankrupt. [explosion sound] You're out of there.
Crazy Ira: What did you call it again, Ben? What was it called? Say it.
Ben: Ice Town. [laughter] I was just a... I was a kid, and, um, when you... you... you end up getting out there and, uh... and there's a...
The Douche: Oh, I really wish you guys could see this guy right now. He is "draunched" is sweat.

The Douche: All right, talk to me, caller.
Caller: [on the line] What's up, guys? Just douchein' over here in Eagleton.
Crazy Ira: Sweet.
Caller: Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor. What were you, like, 12? [laughing]
Ben: The funny, um... When... I guess... The fortunate, um... Can we just sort of... [video game sound effect]
Male Voice: Game over, man. Game over.

Jerry: Andy, can I be next?
Andy: Yeah.
Jerry: I've got a corn so big you could slap butter on it.