Ann: [aside to camera] Unlike April, I still do not know what my future holds with Chris, and it's starting to bum me out. I need some more vitamin "D." Yeah.

Andy: Oh, hey, crazy. What was that meeting about?
April: Oh, it turns out Chris is my real dad.
Andy: I think you're lying. I think I know what that meeting was about. You can't go to Indianapolis. There's got to be something that I can do to convince you how much I care about you. [gasps] Tell me your least favorite things you have to do every day, and I'll do them for a month.
April: Fine. If you do everything I hate for a month, then I might begin to think about the possibility of thinking about maybe staying.
Andy: That's all I have to hear. You won't live to regret this.
[aside to camera:]
April: Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann, then I'm not gonna change my mind. But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class, then I'm not gonna dumb stop him.

George: [yelling] My bird is missing. I need a permit to post signs.
Andy: Oh, let me just look for that form.
George: There's no time! He can fly!
[aside to camera:]
April: Nine things April hates to do. "Number one, run the permits desk for an hour." That's no problem. I eat running the permits desk for an hour for breakfast.

Ron Swanson: Why are you working the permits desk? And why was that child clubbing your nuggets?
Andy: I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris, so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month.
Ron Swanson: That's going to work?
Andy: She said it might. But it's all I got, man.
Ron Swanson: Give me the list. I'll help you.
Andy: Oh, my God. Thank you. [hugs Ron] You got it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I don't care about their relationship. I just don't want to lose April. I would never be able to find a worse assistant.

Tom: Nice job, man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of the Douche.

Ben: I'm sorry, you guys. I just... I haven't had to deal with that mayor stuff for 17 years. I guess I'm not totally over it.
Leslie Knope: No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road.
Ben: Okay.
Leslie Knope: Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile is an all-terrain vehicle. So everything involving Ben is fine. I just need to talk to you in private about something different that is not Ben related. Ben, good job.

Chris: I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I want to define your bagua.
Ann: Okay. What's that?
Chris: It's a feng shui term. The energy in this house is a little stale, but I think I could redefine your flow in a very positive way.
Ann: Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged or the stuff itself or this house even, really.

Leslie Knope: [recording] This just in. Harvest Festival? More like Harvest "Bestival." The Parks Department has planted the seeds, and now they're harvesting the rewards.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Great, you done?
Leslie Knope: They'll put the "fun" in funnel cake. Okay, now I'm done.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Tell me about Ben Wyatt.
Leslie Knope: Sure. He works for the state government, and he's been coming to advise us about our budget.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Oh, come on, Leslie. The Douche blew the story wide open. Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee to tell us how to spend our money?
Leslie Knope: There's no story here, Shauna. He's just a dedicated civil servant who's doing whatever he can to make sure that this is the best Harvest Festival ever. And he's easy on the eyes too. [chuckles]
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Um, what exactly is the nature of your relationship with him?
Leslie Knope: Strictly professional, just friends.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: So are you colleagues, or are you friends?
Leslie Knope: We are colleagues with benefits. We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends. I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go. But, um, thank you so much. And as always, everything I said is off the record. Okay? Bye.

Tom: Before we do this next interview, there's a little secret I want to let you in on. It's called the Haverford Schmooze.
Ben: I was just caught off guard. I'm fine.
Tom: Three easy steps. Smile, friendly physical contact, and flattery. Hey, Perd, is your dad Robocop? 'Cause you're arms are guns.
Ben: Robocop didn't have guns for arms.
Tom: Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.
Ben: I'm just saying.

Ben: Why are we at a mall?
Tom: I'm getting you a new suit. I've let this go on long enough.
Ben: I like this suit.
Tom: You shouldn't... 'Cause it looks like garbage.
Ben: Your suit looks more like garbage.
Tom: Oh, really?
Ben: Yeah.
Tom: 'Cause Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.