Ron Swanson: This is the best Old Fashioned I have ever had. Where'd you find this bartender?
Leslie Knope: Oh... I think... I don't know. Like, maybe the Yellow Pages.
Ron Swanson: Well, there's no way that you're paying him enough.
Bartender: Well, if you want, I could teach you the secret to great...
Leslie Knope: Ssh.

Ron Swanson: Are these peppers for consuming?
Tania: I wouldn't. They're very hot.
Ron Swanson: I'm gonna give it a try. [bites] Mm. Hot.
Wendy: You're very brave.
Tom: Please, that was one of the tiny ones. [singsongy] This is how you eat it!
Ron Swanson: Don't do that, Tom!
Tom: Mm. [bleep]

Leslie Knope: Tom, I need your help. There was a lull. I saw Justin yawn. Please tell me that yawning is a sign of excitement in India or something.

Ron Swanson: Hey, little buddy! Everything okay? That took a long time.
Wendy: Poor Tommy. He has a very frail colon.

Andy: They brought in a little entertainment, thank God. That Justin, he's so boring.
Ben: What are you talking about? He's incredible.
Derek: Yeah. He's not gay, but if he were, I would totally break up with Ben for him.
Ben: Yeah, I would understand. He's amazing, right, April?
Andy: Right, April? [pours her a drink] Don't we love him? [chuckles]
April: Yeah. He's actually kind of awesome.
Andy: [takes drink away] You're underage. I could lose my liquor license, I'm sorry.

Barney: Miss Knope, I understand that you're currently evaluating the rec center teachers.
Ron Swanson: You're doing what, Leslie?
Barney: I demand an evaluation.
Leslie Knope: Okay. What course do you teach?
[cut to:]
Barney: When it comes to choosing accounting software, there's no accounting for taste. [Andy laughs] The advantage of QuickBooks Pro is that it's easy to assemble a list of vendors...
Ron Swanson: Well, this is great. I'm heading home, so as not to have to be here anymore. My office, first thing tomorrow.

Leslie Knope: I'm very sorry that I invited Wendy to the party.
Phil: Is Wendy one of the teachers?
Tom: No, she's my soon-to-be ex-wife.
Leslie Knope: And hopefully-then-to-be future-wife. Look, I'm really sorry. I put a new romance in front of an old friendship.
Tom: Okay.
Leslie Knope: I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child.
Tom: You're ruining it.
Leslie Knope: I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony.
Tom: Totally uncalled for.

April: Can I get a shine?
Andy: Oh. No. I'm sorry. We're closed, due to betrayment.
April: Well, I'm sorry. But I don't know what you're talking about.
Andy: Why don't you ask your new best friend, whose name is...
Both: Justin?
April: Yes. I would. But he's probably too busy cleaning gum out of his coat pockets. [empties gum wrappers]
Andy: Wow. Unbetrayed.

Phil: So, you don't work for the government and you had no idea that these people were teachers from the local rec center?
Justin: No. I was simply attending a dinner party at my friend's house.
Phil: Why is he here, Miss Knope?
Leslie Knope: That will become clear. Mr. Anderson, could you please describe that evening?
Justin: Well, I had a very pleasant time. And from my perspective, there was no abuse of power with respect to Miss Knope and any of her various guests.
Leslie Knope: Could you define pleasant? Did you have a good time? Did you have a great time? Be specific, and do remember that you're under oath.
Justin: I had an amazing time.
Leslie Knope: But you fell asleep.
Justin: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. You know, look, I'd been given a case the night before, so I had to stay up all night working on it and I didn't want to cancel.
Leslie Knope: You should've told me. I would've rescheduled.
Justin: Are you kidding me? I was looking forward to it. I had an awesome time which had nothing to do with the rec center teachers.
Leslie Knope: No further questions.

Justin: Tommy Hav.
Tom: J Train! What's up, brother?
Justin: This might be none of my business, but... you need to ask Wendy out. For reals, this time.
Tom: Did Leslie tell you...
Justin: No. She didn't need to. I saw it.
Tom: I'm not gay, but you're the most incredible man I've ever met.
Justin: That doesn't sound gay at all.