‘Leslie vs. April’
Season 5, Episode 7 - Aired November 15, 2012
Leslie is upset when April decides to get a dog park built on Lot 48. Meanwhile, Ben receives a series of job offers now he's back in Pawnee, and Andy investigates when a computer is stolen from the office.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] April came to me with an idea to build a dog park in Pawnee. I recognized her potential a long time ago, and she's finally living up to it. I mean, I am so proud of her, I could cry. [sobbing] And... here we go.
Quote from Andy
Jerry: Good morning, Andy.
Andy: [clears throat] Okay, something is different about my computer. Aha. It's gone. [gasps] A game is the foot.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: See, part of the police academy entrance exam is investigating a crime. So about a month ago I told everyone in the office that, at some point, they should steal something from my desk so I could practice. Let's do this. Wait, hey, did you guys take my glasses too? They got my sunglasses too.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Look, I am trying to remove parking meters, and there is a guy in Public Works who's being a real thorn about it.
Ron Swanson: Which guy?
Leslie Knope: Ricky Jordache.
Ron Swanson: Never heard of him. What's his deal?
Leslie Knope: He's new. He used to be a slacker, but now he's realizing his full potential, but at what cost? He's smart, and he's beautiful, and I think of him in many ways as a daughter, but that would be crazy 'cause he's a man and his name's Ricky.
Quote from Tom
Ben: Ms. Wicks, if you've read our proposal, you'll see that an alliance between Rent-A-Swag and Sweetums could be mutually beneficial.
Jessica Wicks: Well, I must say it's a much better idea than the last one you had, that gourmet French food thing.
Tom: Oh, my escargot delivery service, Snail Mail. So you want to partner up and make history? I mean, you've already made history as the world's most beautiful CEO.
Quote from Ben
Jessica Wicks: I'm really sorry, cutie. The company's laying low right now due to a small mishap.
Ben: Ah, yes. The Sweetums molasses storage vat exploded, resulting in a slow-moving ecological disaster.
Tom: Well, all press is good press.
Ben: No, this was bad press. A lot of homes were very gradually flooded.
Jessica Wicks: People died.
Quote from Andy
Andy: Been looking at your file all day, Jerry. If that even is your real name.
Jerry: It's not. My real name is Garry.
Andy: Well, Garry. If that even is your real name. Somebody stole my computer. Now, if you're a criminal, look at me, you have to tell me legally, or else it's considered entrapment.
Jerry: I'm sorry, Andy. It wasn't me.
Andy: Oh, man, really?
Jerry: No.
Andy: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Okay, so we know it's not Jerry, unless he was lying to me. I can never tell when people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.
Quote from Tom
Ben: Tom would make a great profile for your show. I mean, this is a guy who's learned through an unbelievable series of bonehead business moves.
Tom: Not to mention in the last month alone three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.
Quote from Tom
Brian Raisins: We're launching a new political chat show, and we need correspondents.
Ben: Oh, well, thank you, but I'm a little shaky on live TV.
Brian Raisins: That's okay. People want authenticity. Think about it?
Tom: Didn't you hear him? He stinks on TV. He sweats. He stutters. It's like The King's Speech, but the first part, before he's fixed.
Brian Raisins: That was my favorite part of the movie.
Tom: What is happening?
Quote from Andy
Chris: Andy, while I appreciate your dedication to finding this criminal, I think you might want to take into account what the policeman said.
Andy: I mean, gosh, if I can't even investigate bad guys, [removes shirt] why become a cop at all?
Chris: What are you doing?
Andy: When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.
Quote from Ben
Ben: [aside to camera] Leslie's been saying for weeks I should do something I love, and she's right. And I'll help Tom or maybe try to do that TV thing or maybe work for the Sweetums foundation. I don't know. Life is short. Why be an accountant, you know? I mean, other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay. Oh, God, this better work out.