Ron Swanson: [to Orin] You forgot to paint a painting, son.

Ann: Oh, my God. The baby is Tom.
Tom: What?
Ann: This is easily my favorite painting ever.
Tom: What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly. I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared? All right, we got to take this down now.

Tom: Well, I'm glad someone's feeling good. They're gonna hang that painting in a public building where anybody can see it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe, which is not as cool of a vibe.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art contains a message. And the message of this painting is, "Get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

Perd Hapley: Hello, I'm Perd Hapley and welcome to Ya' heard? With Perd. Today's show begins now. Is this art, or is it pornography? Here to answer this question is Parks and Recreation deputy director Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Perd, it is a beautiful work of art. Governments should not be in the business of censorship, especially when a painting is as awesome as this one.
Perd Hapley: But this is where the controversy of this story gets even more controversial. You are the subject of this painting. Half woman, half horse, with what some would say are human breasts.
Leslie Knope: I am not the subject. The subject is strong and empowered women everywhere. But it... It does look a little bit like me.
Perd Hapley: Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know, are centaurs real?
Leslie Knope: No.
Perd Hapley: You absolutely sure?

Ben: Okay. So you always separate your lights from your darks.
April: That's racist.
Ben: And then you get your laundry d- Where's your laundry detergent?
Andy: Right. Here we are.
Ben: Okay. This is, uh, bubble bath. You guys, you wash your clothes in bubble bath?
Andy: Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.
Ben: No, it's not.
Andy: Well, they both make bubbles, so...

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Public art commission, filled with hippies who love public art and sometimes weed. Jackpot.

Chris: I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Chris Traeger, and I am a big fan of art.
Tom: [clears throat] Council, I am not opposed to pornography. In fact, you could say I'm definitely for it. If I had my laptop with me right now, I would show you a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof. However, this... thing... is... disgusting... And wrong.
Chairman: Please let the record reflect that the fat baby is referring to the painting.
Tom: Hey! I am not a fat baby. I'm a small, slender man, similar to actor Taye Diggs. So let the record reflect that-- that I look like Taye Diggs.

Andy: This place is amazing.
April: Oh, my God, they have a thing that makes sherbet. We need five of those!
Andy: No, we need to stick with what's on the list. First things first, oven mitts. Where are the oven mitts?
April: Oh, my God. They have all the As-Seen-On-TV stuff!
Andy: Nuh-uh.
April: Shake weight, Iron Gym, Miracle Hand Repair, Big Top cookie, Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.
Andy: Honey.
April: Oh, my God.
Andy: Honey, honey, listen to me. Get it all. Grab everything that we've seen it on TV and put it in this cart right now. Iron gym? I am gonna get so buff.
April: Oh, my God. Marshmallow shooter.
Andy: Marshmallow shooter! Get two.
April: Wait, what about the Magic Bullet?
Andy: Yeah. I've seen that.

Andy: What? What's wrong?
April: Nothing. It's just adults are boring, and I hate them. And I don't want to buy all this stupid, boring, adult stuff and become boring adults.
Andy: Hey, listen to me. Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board. But if you think for one second I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
April: You're gonna make me cry.