Waitress: Would you like any wine to start?
Leslie Knope: Yes, and I'm gonna be direct and honest with you. I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.
Ben: I'll have the same.
Waitress: Great.

Ben: I got you something.
Leslie Knope: No. What is this? Is this jewelry?
Ben: It's not, just open it.
Leslie Knope: No. Oh, I need to go to... Another place. I'm gonna go to the bathroom-- the Whiz Palace, as we like to call it here-- and I'm going to be back and I'm not gonna split. I'm here for you because we need to talk about stuff.

Chris: And so effective immediately, all male employees must stop sending explicit photos to Ms. Perkins.
Man: If I may, what if based on empirical evidence, I truly believe there's a grave and immediate medical emergency? Were that the case, could I then show you my dong?
Ann: No.
Chris: That would be harassment.
Man: Fair enough. Now completely different scenario. Let's say I've been watching a lot of women's golf and I've had some wine...
Ann: How about this? I'm gonna get a male doctor to come in and do some screenings.
Man: Perfect. Just as a backup, I'm sending you some photos.
Ann: That will not be necessary.
Man: That's me. [cell phone chimes]
[Ann slides her phone away]

Tom: Brand-new day, brand-new merch. I got you guys some awesome Entertainment 7Twenty stuff. Donna, this is for you. Entertainment 7Twenty umbrella. Entertainment 7Twenty fly swatters. Rubik's cube with my face on it. Breath mints. Fireplace bellows. And...drum roll please. [drum roll sound] Drum roll sound effect key chain.
April: Shouldn't you be working at your new company, Tom?
Tom: I am working, April. I'm making high-level network contacts. You think Bethenny Frankel sits behind a desk all day? She makes $100 million a year. How much you make a year?
April: $101 million.

April: All right, enough chitchat, everyone. Please get back to work.
Jerry: You're not our boss.
April: What'd you just say to me?
Jerry: Ma'am.

Tom: So, did you get a chance to think about my offer?
Andy: Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. I wanna do my dreams, but I just don't think my dream is working for a company that puts logos on stuff.
Tom: That's not my company does. Although, maybe we'll start.

Donna: Hey, what you think?
[Donna is wearing a bra which features a photo of Tom on one cup and Jean-Ralphio on the other]
Tom: Donna, that looks great.
Donna: Eh, I could do without this one. [points to Jean-Ralphio]

April: Well, what is your dream?
Andy: It's to be the biggest rock star on the planet obviously. But that could take another 3-5 years. Don't get me wrong. Shoe shining has been a... been a pretty wild ride. But is it possible there's something more out there for me?
April: Andy, there's tons of stuff you can do. I'll help you figure it out.
Andy: Really?
April: Yes. One year from now, you, Andy Dwyer, will no longer be a shoe shinist.
Andy: Kyle, beat it. I wanna make out with my wife now.
Kyle: But you've only done half of one of my shoes.
Andy: [pours Pepto Bismol on one shoe] Here. Now I haven't done anything. Scram, kid.

Ron Swanson: First order of business. I promised Leslie I'd hire her a new assistant so the department doesn't completely shut down while she runs for office.
April: You're running for office?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, City Council.
Jerry: Leslie, that is great.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Donna: Will you pledge right now not to raise taxes?
Leslie Knope: I think that's premature.
Donna: No pledge, no vote.

Ron Swanson: The point is she needs an assistant. Start asking around.
April: Hire Andy. Andy can do it.
Leslie Knope: Sure, yeah.
Ron Swanson: Done. Andy, you are now Leslie's assistant.
Andy: Honey. Leslie, I'm gonna work my ass off for you. I'll do anything you ask me. I will prove myself. You don't even have to pay me.
April: No, honey, no.