[A woman's frantic scream is heard]
Ann: Is that Donna? Donna? Okay, easy. Donna? Don't worry. Are you okay? What? Is it your heart? Are you having trouble breathing?
Donna: [screaming] It's my car. Someone shot my car!

Jerry: [aside to camera] This is such a great day. See, at my house, I got a wife and three beautiful daughters. But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.

Ron Swanson: You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple of months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.
Leslie Knope: Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.
Ron Swanson: Perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.
Leslie Knope: Look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you...
Ron Swanson: Sure. How about you shoot me in the head? Oh, wait, you already did that.

Tom: It could have been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.
Jerry: You think someone is hunting us?
Tom: Man is the most dangerous game.
Donna: To The Predator.
Tom: I did smell something out there. And it wasn't human.
Leslie Knope: That was pine trees.
Donna: The Predator can see heat.
Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

Donna: Did you hear that?
Mark: Actually, I did hear something.
Jerry: Okay. There's someone out there.
Tom: I'm gonna get my gun.
Jerry: Okay, Tom. Scare him off and shoot over his head!
Tom: What's that gonna do? I'm gonna shoot under its head!

Ranger: Listen, I heard about the accident. And I need to know who is responsible.
Jerry: I don't know. That's the problem.
Mark: Ron and I saw Jerry...
Leslie Knope: I am. I shot Ron Swanson.
Donna: You shot my Mercedes?
Leslie Knope: What? No! No!
[Donna tackles Leslie to the ground]

Ranger: So what happened? Did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
Leslie Knope: No. I'm an excellent hunter.
Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head then?
Leslie Knope: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.
Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.
Leslie Knope: No, I always have the safety on. I'm... While I was tripping, I saw a quail and I shot at it.
Ranger: In mid-trip?
Leslie Knope: No, that's... Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. And that's what happened. End of story.
Ranger: I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?
Leslie Knope: I let my emotions get the best of me. I just... I would... I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and I felt something icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember. I'm wearing a new bra and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! Are you single? I'm just, like, going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis. What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain. I'm bad at math. And I'm stupid.

April: You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous.
Andy: I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. Seems kind of weird.
April: What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?
Andy: When you put it that way, it doesn't sound that weird at all.
April: Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

Leslie Knope: Ron, I got your hat! Ron, I have your hat!-
Ann: Are you in a lot of pain?
Ron Swanson: I was shot in the head with a shotgun.
Ann: Ron, it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm, okay?
Ron Swanson: Yeah, I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

Ron Swanson: When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth French kissing a dog. Is that normal?
Leslie Knope: Is that normal?
Ann: Well, the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?
Ron Swanson: Seven. Eight. But I washed them down with plenty of fluids.
Ann: No, Ron, you cannot drink Scotch with this. You're gonna need to purge, right now! Okay?
Ron Swanson: No!
Ann: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
Ron Swanson: No, I'm not wasting 20-year Scotch.