Ron Swanson: Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined, you could come by and shoot me in the head!
Tom: Excuse me, everyone. Ron, I have something to say.
Ron Swanson: Hang on a minute, Tom, I'm not done berating Leslie.
Tom: It wasn't Leslie's fault. She was covering for me because I didn't have a hunting license. I was the one who shot you.
Ron Swanson: You didn't get a license? What kind of moron doesn't get a license? That's reckless endangerment, my son. That's a $25,000 fine, minimum, and probably jail time.
Tom: But she covered for me, and I'm in the clear.
Ron Swanson: Yeah. That's right. She kept her mouth shut and now you're in the clear.
Leslie Knope: Well, Ron, you know, I couldn't let...
Ron Swanson: I know. You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It was 'cause I was shot in the head by a moron.

Ron Swanson: Just a reminder. Tomorrow's a half-day. Jerry, Mark and I have to conduct the annual trail survey at Slippery Elm Park.
Jerry: Ron, I had the trail survey hats made to commemorate the trip.
Ron Swanson: Nice, Jerry. Oh, and if you have any questions about the details, feel free to shoot me an email.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ugh, the only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November, they let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office.
Tom: Not all the guys. He's never taken me.
Leslie Knope: Fine, all the men.

Ron Swanson: All right. Look, It's not just a hunting trip. It's a tradition.
Leslie Knope: I am really good at hunting and I'm even better at being one of the guys.
Ron Swanson: Well, it's a work event, so... legally I can't stop you from coming.
Leslie Knope: Yes! This is gonna be so fun! I'll bring S'mores.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: And just like that the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes.

Jerry: Holy cow. Ron, it is good to be back.
Mark: Sneak attack! [pulls down Jerry's pants]
Jerry: Damn it!
Mark: I am the Pants King! Bow to me.
Jerry: Bow. I bow!
Mark: I am the Pants...
Leslie Knope: I am the Pants Queen. [pulls down Tom's pants]
Tom: What the hell?
Leslie Knope: Bow to the Pants Queen.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: When you're out with the boys, you gotta be ready for a good pantsing. That's why I have suspenders that connect my bra to my jeans.

Leslie Knope: Let me get some of that.
Ron Swanson: You sure?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: I would not have pegged you as a user of mouth tobacco.
Leslie Knope: I'm full of surprises, Ron.
Tom: Oh, man. My stomach's a little upset. I feel a little queasy.
Mark: Yeah, that might be the chew. You could spit it out.
Tom: I swallowed it. You're supposed to swallow it, right?
Mark: No.
Tom: [sighs] All right. [goes outside]
Ron Swanson: Poor little buddy.
Leslie Knope: Why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron?
Ron Swanson: Yes, you are right.
[Tom retches outside]

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I think this is gonna be a really good bonding sesh for me and Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.

Leslie Knope: You're surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?
Ron Swanson: Leslie, please. I don't care that you're a girl. I just don't like change. I like going to the same place with the same people, telling the same stories and seeing who can bag the most turkeys.
Leslie Knope: Well, it seems like you like to go hunting with the same people 'cause you know you can beat them. A hundred bucks says I bag more birds than you.
Ron Swanson: You're on. Let's split up. I do it better alone.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you do! See? Just one of the guys.

Tom: Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Donna: Mmm, I love breakfast cereal.

Leslie Knope: Well, good news is Ron is resting comfortably.
Tom: Is he okay? Is he gonna live?
Leslie Knope: I think so. Although I am hoping that he has some memory loss.
Tom: On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Leslie Knope: Well, he's very curious about who shot him. So, if you did it, just say, "I did it." Come on, person who shot Ron. Look, I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit that they shot Ron in the head.
Tom: Maybe Ron shot himself.
Leslie Knope: Hmm, he has seemed really depressed lately.
Mark: He was shot in the back of the head.
Leslie Knope: You're right. He loves the back of his head. He would never shoot himself there.