Ann: Ugh, and Lamaze class, wait till I tell you about that Ponzi scheme. Ugh. [Donna enters smoking a cigar] Oh, hey, Donna, what the hell? You know I can't be around smoke or fatty tuna. [Ron uses his remote to close the door on on Ann] Ron.
Donna: At first, this was funny, but it's gotten out of hand. This was our chance to vent about work, and you've taken it over.
Tom: Yeah! It's sushi and cigar club now.
Ann: Wow. Okay. I see how it is.
Tom: I feel bad.
Donna: I don't. This is a Cuban. This is yellowtail. I feel amazing.

Chris: Hey, friends. I'm just about to go on my night jog. Would you like to join me?
Donna: Mm, hard pass. We're here because you need to tend to your woman. She's complaining about everything, ruining Whine & Cheese Club.
Chris: I literally have 1,000 questions. Why is Ron wearing headphones? What's Whine & Cheese Club? And what is Ann complaining about?
Donna: You, mostly. How you never let her vent because you're always too busy trying to solve everything for her.
Chris: She's upset that I'm trying to help her?
Ron Swanson: You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher, trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are!
Chris: Why are you yelling?
Ron Swanson: Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

Tom: Hey, man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself. What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
Donna: "That sucks."
Chris: "That sucks"?
Tom: I spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me. When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it. Just say, "Damn, that sucks."

Andy: My name is Burt Macklin. I investigate stinky feet for the FBI. [plays guitar and sings] Stinky feet patrol ♪
Stinky feet patrol [kids cheer] Stinky feet patrol! Stinky feet patrol! [yelling]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is so fun. I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Opening this farmers market was one of my greatest achievements as city councilor. It's good for the economy, it's good for families, and it's good for promoting a healthy lifestyle, which Pawnee desperately needs.
Woman: [holding broccoli] Look at this tiny tree. Can you eat this?
Man: [holding cauliflower] Aww. This one's dead.

Andy: Okay, babe, here's what I did. Tell me if this is appropriate for a kids' song. I changed the lyrics in Sex Hair to... [plays guitar sings] You got sex bears You got 'em from me, kids Sex bears Big ol' sex bears
April: Andy, the word "hair" was not the problem with Sex Hair.
Andy: Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap. Now what the hell am I supposed to sing?

Ben: I've got to say that this report is quite impressive, Miss Knope.
Leslie Knope: Thank you very much, Mr. City Manager. And I have to say that the way that you're rockin' those slacks is quite impressive as well.
Ben: Well, thank you.
Ron Swanson: [clears throat] Can we hurry this up, please?
Ben: What? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the fantastic work of one of your employees, especially if she's adorable.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I am back at the parks department, and Ben is city manager, but we're married, so it's kosher. And awesome. We live together...
Ben: And work together.
Leslie Knope: And we are so...
Both: In sync...
Ben: That we finish each other's...
Leslie Knope: Sentences! We rehearsed that at home. Naked in bed.
Ben: What!

Ron Swanson: Please stamp the form.
Ben: I just want to admire it one more time. Again, fantastic work. In fact, such good work... I think I'm in love with you.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, that's great news, 'cause I'm in love with you too.
Ben: What?
Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: Stamp the form.
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's not let Ron feel left out. We love you too, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Stamp the damn form.
Leslie Knope: Group hug!
Ben: Oh, I'm down for a group hug. Little G.H.
Leslie Knope: Bring it in.
Ben: Come o--
[Ron grabs Ben's arm and stamps the form]
Leslie Knope: Wow. I think our love made him angry.
Ben: I think he broke my wrist. I'm not kidding.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Connie Cabbage. What's good today?
Connie Cabbage: Green cabbage is always a safe bet. Red cabbage is good. [chuckles] I mean, you can't go wrong. That's the fun thing about cabbage.
Ben: One of the fun things.