Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The public works department is wonderful, and you are the best idea man in the business.
Ron Swanson: Also, we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.
John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam?
Ron Swanson: Dam's dead. Have a nice day.
John: Where will all the water go?
Ron Swanson: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.
Chris: We're very sorry.
Ron Swanson: I am not. Good meeting. [whistles cheerily]

April: [aside to camera] We made, like, 100 million doctors' appointments for ourselves in one day. After this we won't have to go to the doctor for, like, ten years, because we're smart.
[Andy throws a ball at the wall, which bounces back and hits him in the face, knocking him to the ground]

Chris: Ron Swanson! I want to thank you for being so ruthless and cruel in the meeting the other day.
Ron Swanson: You'll have to be more specific.
Chris: With the public works department about the dam.
Ron Swanson: Ah.
Chris: What do you say I take you to lunch and then we can talk about all the projects that you want to get accomplished.
Ron Swanson: That won't be necessary. I don't have any projects. I hate projects.
Chris: [still laughing from the office] What a pill. We should order. And then we can talk shop. What are you gonna have? I'm thinking something raw and cucumber-based. A cucumber.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I don't know what happened. I declined his invitation. He started laughing. And the next thing I knew, we were at lunch. Did he drug me?

Dr. Lipp Nerpins: Okay, if you're allergic to any food, we'll know in a few days.
Andy: I think based on the redness I might be allergic to getting stabbed by needles.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: We have already been to, like, five different doctors. I got my ankles microwaved.
April: X-rayed.
Andy: They took my blood away to use for science.
April: Cholesterol tests.
Andy: April had her sinuses removed?
April: Looked at.
Andy: Some guy looked at my wiener, touched it. That was weird.
April: And that guy wasn't even a doctor.
Andy: That... What?

Chris: Ron Swanson! [Ron uses the remote to close his door but it's too late] Just the man I wanted to see. I'm going to be going to a seminar on the art of the Japanese tea ceremony, or chakai, at the Pawnee Community College, and I thought you might like to come with me.
Ron Swanson: Why?
Chris: I know how much you value silence.
Ron Swanson: A fair point. But we did just have lunch last week, so I feel like we've spent enough social time together for the foreseeable...Ever.

Chris: Ron Swanson! What a pleasant surprise. And who's this?
Ron Swanson: This is a great friend of mine. He is a fellow who works in the building and he is named Dennis.
Kyle: Kyle.
Ron Swanson: He strongly enjoys Japanese culture, and I thought he might wanna go with you to the thing.
Chris: The tea ceremony.
Ron Swanson: Yes.
Chris: You're a brother Japanophile?
Kyle: I was eating rice, and Ron made me come up here. But sure, that sounds fun.

Bobby Newport: How's it going? I'm Bobby Newport. But you probably knew that already.
Leslie Knope: Well, Mr. Newport, we meet at last. I'm Leslie Knope.
Bobby Newport: Ah, okeydoke. So do you want me to sign that to Miss Lope or just Nesney?
Leslie Knope: What? No. Leslie's fine. Leslie?
Ben: Yeah, Miss Knope is a candidate for city council. Been calling your office trying to set up a debate.
Bobby Newport: Oh, no, you guys are wrong. I'm running unopposed. [to body guards] I'm pretty sure I'm running unopposed, right?
Leslie Knope: No, you're not running unopposed.
Bobby Newport: Oh, terrific. I love meeting people. I love it, yeah. What do you guys do?
Leslie Knope: We just told you. We're gonna be running for city council.
Bobby Newport: Great. Here, have a Bobby bar. Go ahead, my dad made 'em.

Ann: Did you hit your head? No.
Ann: Oh, yes, technically I did smash my head area into the wall area.
April: Yeah, he was hanging up his gold record.
[flashback to Andy sneezing while he's about to hammer a nail into the wall, hitting his head:]
April: Oh, my God, are you okay?
Andy: Yeah, I'm good. [hits hammer into wall and falls off chair]
[present:]
Andy: Point is, I have a gold record.

Tom: I gotta admit, his hair game's on point. Gotta find out what kind of product he puts up in his "herr."

Tom: Alright, the good news is, there's only two pieces of bad news. The bad news is, none of our ads aired and we cannot get our money back.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God.
Ben: There was probably a better way for you to tell us that.
Tom: You both really blew this. But I can't wait to hear your new ideas. I love 'em already. Ooh, I'm hungry. Tommy needs a mango. See ya.