Leslie Knope: I'd like to first start by saying thank you for coming. And on behalf of Ben Wyatt and everyone involved in my campaign, I'm very sorry for what happened at the Rock n' Roll Bowling Alley last night. You know what? No, I'm not. [scoffs] I... I'm not sorry. This guy was drunk, and he was aggressive. And he was rude, and he was foul-mouthed. And he called me by my second least favorite term for a woman, and my campaign manager punched him. I do not condone violence, but I have to be honest, it was awesome. And my campaign manager and I made out a lot afterward. Ah, I probably shouldn't have said that. But that's what happened. Derek hates me, and I don't particularly like him. So what's the point, right, Derek?
Derek: I feel like you're being kind of a bitch right now.
Leslie Knope: See? So I'm not going to apologize. And if people won't vote for me because of that, well, there's nothing I can do about it. But you should be warned. If you do not vote for me, my boyfriend might beat you up. Now if anyone has any questions about the issues facing our city, I'm right here.

Ben: See, a lot of people don't vote with their brains. They vote with their guts. I know you're fun, and you can have a good time. The public needs to see that.
Leslie Knope: Well, then maybe the campaign should host a bowling night.
Ben: Hmm.
Leslie Knope: It would be laid-back. Everyone having fun, great photo op.
Ben: That could actually work.
Leslie Knope: Also I'm really good at bowling.
Ben: No, I don't think I believe you. Is there anyone I can ask?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Ask Ron. Oh, okay. You're kidding.

Jerry: All right, it is time for the 12th Leslie Knope Fundraising Phone Bank. Is everybody feeling good?
April: Oh, I don't know, Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse.
Chris: [tapping on sliding door] Hey! Let's get this phone party started.
April: No.

Jerry: I know this kind of thing can be a grind, but Ben said that this is the most important thing we can do to help Leslie. So tonight is going to be fun. You're probably thinking, how could it possibly be fun? [laughter]
Chris: No one's thinking that.
Andy: I kinda was.
Chris: I was not.
Andy: Why are we laughing?

Leslie Knope: Do I look laid-back?
Ann: You look like you're trying to look laid-back.
Leslie Knope: How about now?
Ann: I think just... maybe just stand how you would normally stand.
Leslie Knope: Okay. I forget now.

Andy: [on the phone] No, I don't think we can accept donations over $50.

Jerry: [on the phone] I don't really know why you would need my social security number, but... well, yeah, no. You're right. I guess it couldn't hurt to give it to you. It's 210...

Chris: Ha ha! $100.
Jerry: Whoa.
Chris: This is unbelievable. I cannot be stopped. [sings] Come on now get some money Come on, April get an earpiece Come on do it
[aside to camera:]
April: I don't care about that prize, but I'm gonna win because I want his happiness to go away. [sighs]

Ben: Hey, is that the guy from the... from the focus group?
Leslie Knope: Huh. I don't know.
Ben: I think it is.
Leslie Knope: Is it?
Ben: Excuse me, sir, would you mind telling me how you heard about the event tonight?
Derek: Oh, uh, I got a weird invitation in the mail.
Ben: I didn't realize we were sending out invitations.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Derek: Hey, you're that girl from the focus group thing I did.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I wouldn't know. I'm never on the other side of the glass with those things.

Leslie Knope: Whoa, "thar" she bowls. I'm Leslie Knope. You wanna bowl? You wanna bowl together? You wanna be, like, bowl buddies?
Derek: Sure.
Leslie Knope: Great, just a casual game, you know? No biggie.
Derek: You okay? My sister has scoliosis, and I think you might, you know...
Leslie Knope: Oh, no. No, I'm just... I'm just being cas. What are you rocking? A 15 pounder?
Derek: 16.
Leslie Knope: Whoa, hey, good for you. Oh, there they are. I just ordered some wings for us. You like wings?
Derek: Love them.
Leslie Knope: Really? Who knew?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I knew. [holds up big binder]