Chris: [on the phone] Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Leslie Knope, who is running for city council. Is this Deirdre Splatterfork? That is literally the most beautiful name I have ever heard.

Donna: [on the phone] Absolutely nothing. [chuckles] What are you wearing?

April: [on the phone] Fine, if you don't wanna donate, then don't. Oh, by the way... [creepy voice] I'm calling from inside your house.

Tom: Type in "T Rex" for me. No, no, no. Um, "T-boz." Wait, wait. "Tommy Tsunami." No, "Ticky Ticky Tom-Tom." No, "Fly Guy."
Ron Swanson: I wrote "Tom."
Tom: Classic. Timeless. I love it.

Tom: Come on, big girl. Let's knock these little pins down.
[Tom runs up to the lane, suddenly halts and stands squat in front of the line. He starts cradling the ball in both hands]
Ann: Oh, my God, are you serious?
Ron Swanson: Son, people can see you.
[Tom gently releases the ball, which slowly rolls down the lane before knocking all the pins down]
Tom: Boom! [Ann claps] That right there... Tommy's strike.

Ben: Leslie, what happened to the big picture?
Leslie Knope: I'm thinking about the big picture. I'm trying to make the picture bigger by including this guy in it. I can't do anything about my gender or my height, but I can win that guy over with a fun round of bowling.
Ben: We need everyone here to see a different side of Leslie Knope, not one specific person. Some people just aren't gonna like you. Let it go. Okay, I hear you.
Leslie Knope: I'll treat him just like everybody else.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'll just say hi to him, shake his hand, buy a him a few beers, share a few laughs, bowl a few frames, lose intentionally to make him feel good, friend him on Facebook. And by the end of the night, he will be mine.

Chris: I am taking a probiotic tea break. And while that is happening, I thought I might share some big news. I am going to ask Millicent Gergich to move in with me. D-I... I mean, if that's okay with you of course, Jerry.
Jerry: Uh, yeah. [chuckles] Of course. Sure.
Andy: That's awesome, man. Hey, do you guys wanna live here with us and Ben and champion, the three-legged dog?
Chris: That is an amazing offer.
Andy: Yes!
Chris: But I think we're probably gonna get our own place. I'm already working with a Real Estate agent to find an octagonal house. I've done some reading, and an octagon is the optimal shape for a home in terms of energy flow.

Andy: [whistling] What, Champion? You need to go outside now? Come on. That a boy. Sorry, he's... hates awkward situations.

Police Officer: The guy said he might press charges.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, well, Randy, I would like you to know that we will not be pressing charges.
Police Officer: Yeah, that really wasn't an option.
Leslie Knope: Come on, the guy was being a total jerk. What Ben did was warranted and extremely awesome, by the way. Did you write down how awesome it was?
Police Officer: When we write official reports, we refrain from using words like "jerk" or "awesome."

Ben: Okay, one more time. Let me resign. It's the only thing that truly protects you.
Leslie Knope: Non-starter.
Ben: [sighs] Okay. Now when you take questions, I think you should be brief and sincere. Don't try to justify what I did. Just apologize again, and stay on script. Are you sure that you don't need more whipped cream?
Leslie Knope: Not today. I don't deserve it. I got us into this mess because I was fixating on that guy. But this is ridiculous. I do need more whipped cream. Ma'am.