Ben: Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's public health initiative has been a huge success. Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America. We're now ninth.
Chris: Together, as a town, we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.
Leslie Knope: A gym opened, and it stayed in business. And people checking into the E.R. after ingesting a whole candy wrapper is down 40%.
Kathryn Pinewood: But where will it end? Now, you wanna rob our children of fun by attacking the Sweetums school lunch program, literally taking candy from babies.
Leslie Knope: Those school lunches are incredibly unhealthy. You somehow convinced the school board that napkins are a vegetable.
Kathryn Pinewood: They're made from plants. Stop restricting our freedoms. [applause]

Bjorn Lerpiss: Bjorn Lerpiss of the Pawnee Lerpiss family. There was supposed to be a Paunch Burger in this lot next to my house. And then, you stripped my freedom by putting a park there. Now, if I wanna start my day off with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day. I work at home.
Chris: Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast?
Bjorn Lerpiss: I'll never consider that.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: This feels strangely personal. Maybe it's because they're all standing up saying how much they hate me as a person.

Marshall Langman: Listen, my wife and I do not feel that we're better off than a year ago because a year ago, this town was not a horrifying ssx den where people could put their body parts anywhere they want with impunity.
Marcia Langman: And then, you were elected. And now, this town a horrifying sex den where people can put their body parts anywhere they want to with impunity.
Marshall Langman: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: If you are referring to my fight to teach comprehensive sex education, you need to at least acknowledge the fact that STDs are down 14% from last year.
Marshall Langman: And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent!
Leslie Knope: No, it's-- no, it's--
Marshall Langman: This town is going to hell in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl. [applause] See? See? They agree. Come on.

Tom: Investors, I have some very exciting news about Rent-A-Swag. Someone - I'm not saying Diddy, but I'm not not saying Diddy - has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag for a buttload of money.
Ron Swanson: How big a buttload, son?
Tom: We would all basically double our investments.
Donna: Are you kidding me? Sell, baby. Imagine the kind of treat-yourself day we could have with the profits. I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.
Tom: That is appealing.

Ron Swanson: If someone is interested in buying you out, it means you're doing something right. I say you continue to grow, accumulate power, find this investor, and buy his business to teach him a lesson.

Tom: April, what do you think?
April: I thought about this a lot. I actually think that you should get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.
Tom: No, with the store.
April: Oh. Uh, burn it for the insurance money.

Ben: I don't like seeing you like this.
Leslie Knope: I've never felt this way before. Maybe I should just quit. Maybe we should both quit, and we should move to the Bahamas, live on a beach, catch fish with homemade spears.
Ben: Yeah, you'd last about 30 seconds with that work. When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press.
Leslie Knope: Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. Like, I'm not going to watch that live?

Leslie Knope: Thank you all for coming. As most of you probably know, there is a large committee that has announced plans to recall me from office. My response to them is this: Bring it on. Step up. Step Up 2: The Streets. I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, so all I can think of is dance movie titles. Stomp the Yard. There's one. Look, I work very hard for this town, as hard as I can, and all that matters to me is whether or not everyone here thinks that they are better off now than they were a year ago. I think you are. If you disagree with me, then go ahead and recall me. Go crazy. You Got Served. Silver Linings Playbook, kind of.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: The committee says they plan to push for a recall vote within two months. Do you have a comment on that?
Leslie Knope: Nope. Again, all I really care about is are you better off?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I think I'm better off. I haven't had a date in a while, but I'm learning a lot about me.
Leslie Knope: Well, I wasn't asking you specifically, but I'm happy to hear that, Shauna. So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall. No, I can't end my big press conference by saying "Recall, shmecall." That's ridiculous. Ben, can you help me out here?
Ben: That concludes councilwoman Knope's press conference. And if you have any further questions... [overlapping questions] hold on to them, because she has a lot of work to do.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, honey. Honey. That's another dance movie with Jessica Alba.

Andy: [laughing] My wife is pregnant!
April: Okay, put me down.
Andy: Hey, you can't keep it from me. I found the pregnancy test, honey.
April: Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up.
Andy: Wait, are you sure you're not?
April: Yeah. We've talked about this. Remember? I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.
Andy: Oh, yeah. Of course.
April: Actually, there is something I need to tell you.
Andy: [gasps] You're pregnant.
April: No.
Andy: No! We just ruled that out.

Tom: So you're not pregnant? This isn't yours?
Mona-Lisa: [bleep], no. Do you know how many different pills I take, birth control or otherwise? There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby.
Tom: Thank God. Yes! Tommy has his life back! Let's go!
Jean-Ralphio: What the hell is wrong with you, man? That's my sister. Nah! I'm just kidding, man. She's the worst. You dodged a bullet, baby. Congratulations.
Tom: Thanks.