Jess: Look at it, just sitting there, so full and so watery. If we steal that water, are we criminals? If we cross this fence, are we crossing a line that we can never...?
Cece: Shut up, we are going in.

Nick: Those lousy serpents. They don't want us to come.
Winston: Damn lousy serpents. [hissing] They must think we're stupid.
Nick: I don't want to go... but I don't like the idea of not going because they don't want us to go, rather than not going because we don't want to go.
Winston: That's right, 'cause if we don't go, then who gonna go when we don't want to, 'cause we go. Right? Rewind.
Nick: Come on, I'm being very clear here.
Winston: Where are we going and why?
Nick: We're going everywhere for both reasons.
Winston: [hissing]
Nick: How do you do it so smooth?

Jess: We're trapped.
Cece: Now what? Wait until the kid's party's over? Kids unwrap presents so slowly.
Jess: I know. Kids are so slow.

Schmidt: Coach.
Coach: What?
Schmidt: Just-just put it in your pocket.
Coach: No, dude. It had pork belly on it.
Schmidt: Just put it in your pocket. Do it.
May: I used to play the violin. Then I became a real musician. [laughs]
Coach: Because your instrument's bigger, right? [chuckles] Cello knowledge.
Schmidt: [whispers] Yeah. The cello is bigger. Nice.

Coach: The hell are they doing here?
Schmidt: I don't know. They're drinking at a normal pace. There's nothing stuck to them.
Coach: Exactly. The hell are they up to?
[Nick and Winston raise their glasses to Coach and Schmidt]

Cece: You are a genius.
Jess: Sweet, sweet city water.
Cece: Okay. You know how today's been kind of like a-a crappy day?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Cece: Well, how would you feel if that hose belonged to your ex-boyfriend?
Paul: Jess?
Jess: Genzlinger!
Paul: Hey! Uh...
Jess: Blast from the past! How's that ass?
Paul: That ass is good. I don't know if that's an expression, but...
Jess: How the heck are you?
Paul: Good. How...
Jess: [kisses him on the cheek] Oop. [chuckles] Don't know why I did that. Did it again. I don't know why.

Winston: We'll take care of the charges and the damages. We'll spare no expense.
Nick: No, we will not. No, we will not.
Winston: We will spare no expense.
Nick: No, we will not.

Jess: So, yeah, I got promoted to vice principal. VP.
Paul: Great.
Jess: I have a bottle of soy sauce on my desk, so no more packets for me.
Paul: Hey, you got a little roly poly bug on you, hmm?
Jess: Oh... I get it.
Paul: What?
Jess: I wasn't born yesterday! You think we're on a walk of shame.
Paul: I didn't, but...
Jess: Congratulations. You spend your Sundays having cupcake parties at your beautiful house with your cute little half-Asian kid and your daddy diaper bag...
Paul: I think someone might need a visit from the "rest police."

Winston: Ah, guys, look, I don't see much of the toothpick coming out. So, best move-- push it all the way in, and get it from the other side. Am I right? You guys agree?

Jess: Paul, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. You don't have to clown for these people.
Woman: Yes, you do.
Paul: She said...
Jess: Open yourself up to the journey. Look, if Taylor Swift can live alone in New York, just think what you can do. The only thing stopping you is you.
Paul: Yeah. Ma'am, I will not clown for you today. Or any day thereafter.
Woman: What are you doing?
Paul: I am going on a journey. This is my freaking journey. [squeaking]
Jess: We're taking back the morning. [Cece whoops] Happy birthday to your little one.