‘Walk of Shame’
Season 4, Episode 18 - Aired March 3, 2015
Jess and Cece take the "walk of shame" after spending the night with two guys from the bar. Meanwhile, Coach is embarrassed to invite Nick and Winston to an art gallery where May is performing.
Quote from Jess
Cece: I think this is rock bottom.
Jess: Cece... I have to tell you something embarrassing.
Cece: What?
Jess: I didn't sleep with Bearclaw last night. I did something even worse. We made up a musical about woodland creatures.
[flashback to Jess and Bearclaw singing:]
Jess: Owls and squirrels and deer
Bearclaw: Raccoon and caribou
Jess: And otters
Bearclaw: Get out of here, you're not welcome
Jess: Get out of here
Bearclaw: Get out of here Caribou, caribou...
Quote from Winston
Nick: Your hair looks so different.
Jess: Well, get used to it, boys. 'Cause we're single, we're sophisticated. And we just went to a place to get blow-outs.
Coach: What's a blow-out?
Jess: You know how it's impossible to make your own hair look amazing?
Schmidt: Uh, I do not.
Winston: Yeah, you know whose hair I admire? Jesus. Man, dude's hair get overlooked because of all the miracles and stuff.
Quote from Winston
Nick: So, there's a place that just blows out your hair?
Jess: Well, they wash it first.
Nick: So, essentially they create a problem, and then charge you to fix it. Here's a, a business idea I just thought of. Why don't I break the heels off your shoe, and then charge you to glue them back on?
Winston: Or, uh, take your sore back and adjust it. Which would, uh, just make me a chiropractor.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Cece, I know these guys are weird, but parties have cute guys who aren't Schmidt. What did Charisma say while he was washing our hair?
Cece: He said he was worried about Taylor Swift living in New York all alone.
Jess: Well, yeah, we all are, but he also said that we need to embrace our freedom. We're single. We can do whatever we want! The only thing stopping us is us. And Charisma made us promise not to waste these blow-outs.
Cece: Our hair does look so good right now.
Jess: Let's do this! Let's go to this party! Let's see where this journey takes us!
Quote from Jess
Jess: [on the phone] Nick, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!
Male Voice: The voice mailbox for...
Nick: Penis Wilson.
Male Voice: ...is full. Good-bye.
Jess: And there it is. All the numbers I know by heart.
Cece: That's more than me.
Jess: [to the young girls] Learn from us. Also, never open a line of credit for your boyfriend no matter how talented of an artist he is.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Uh, we are walking. We're walking.
Cece: All right.
Jess: This is a legit walk of shame.
Woman: [in passing car] Rough start, ladies!
Jess: It was the blow-out. It was the blow-out.
Cece: It's gonna be okay.
Quote from Jess
Cece: Why did you make it seem like...
Jess: Because I didn't have a one-night stand like a normal woman. I stayed up all night pretending to be a singing tree.
[flashback to Jess and Bearclaw singing:]
Jess: [both sing] I'm just a dumb old tree
Bearclaw: No, you're not, take it back
Jess: Nobody ever pets me-e-e-e
Bearclaw: 'Cause you're just a tree
Jess: They just eat my nuts
Bearclaw: Eat my nuts, eat my nuts.
[present:]
Cece: You're right. That is way more shameful.
Quote from Coach
Coach: Why you guys dressed up all nice? Huh? Talking all polite and stuff. What-What's going on?
Nick: Oh, we're just here for the culture and, uh, the spectacle of it all.
Coach: Really?
Nick: And to make you look like a stupid piece of crap for thinking we'd be an embarrassment to you.
Coach: I'm patting you down.
Nick: Hey. I'm an American citizen. I request a female if you're gonna do that.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Just because I don't have a husband or a baby or a house doesn't mean I'm not living right. We're still growing and changing. And that's a good thing. [grabs Cece's hair] Look at this hair. This is single-girl hair. This is adventure hair. This isn't boring, married, settled hair. This is... this is fun. We're fun. You know what I did last night? I got totally obliterated, and I made up a musical fable with a guy named Bearclaw, and it was better than sex. [sings] I'm a little fox, but I'm not that sly What can I say? I'm an honest little guy.
Paul: Well, I'm glad things are good...
Jess: You know what, Genzlinger? I don't care what you think of me. 'Cause this is my journey. Welcome to my freaking journey.
Paul: Great, I wish you luck...
Quote from Jess
Woman: You ready?
Paul: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Jess: That's not Jenn.
Paul: [sighs] Nope. This is not my house, okay? This is not a daddy diaper bag. This is a bag of sadness. Because I am a party clown. [squeaks] I'm actually a musical party clown, okay? So no one's had a more shameful walk this morning than me. [squeaks]
Jess: What happened to Jenn?
Paul: Thanks for bringing that up. Salt in the wound. She left me. You know what I did last night? I'm gonna tell you. I masturbated to pornography that I had to draw on the back of an envelope. [Cece and Jess point to the mother]
Jess: [chuckles] He's great with kids.
Woman: Who are you?
Jess: I'm a Liza Minnelli impersonator. [sings] Ah...