Coach: Watch and learn, player. If you're a girl and you're in a bar on Valentine's Day, you're basically saying, "Hello. Good February. I'm interested in casual sex."

Schmidt: Hey, it's my business partner that I was telling you about. Schmidt!
All: Schmidt!
Schmidt: Nick, who are all these people?
Nick: These are the crawlers. The single, the lonely, the close-talkers, the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths,
fat boys in the back... [whoops twice] The chubby-fronts, the delusionally-okay- with-themselves... but no one is alone tonight because...
All: [chant] The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all!

Cece: Boom! I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller.
Nick: Cece, your mouth is writing a check that your body can't find. [laughs]
Jess: That's not an expression.
Winston: Regionally specific to Northern Illinois. We say it all the time.
Nick: Thank you, Winston.
Winston: You're welcome. Don't write a check your body can't find.
Nick: [laughs] Every day, man.

Nick: No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl! And you're breaking my heart! You can't fight the crawl. It's like fighting a hurricane. You know what a hurricane is? Do you guys have those over the pond?
Ryan: We don't, but I know what it is.
Nick: You guys don't have them?
Ryan: No.
Nick: They're awful. It's like fighting one of those. And a hurricane doesn't have fists, so just, bang, you lose!

Nick: My map is just a deformed smile now. I didn't complete it.
Winston: Or is it... a goatee face?
Nick: What bar is that? What bar is that?
Winston: [chuckles] I'm glad you asked. [pulls out beers from backpack] Welcome to Winston's bar. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
Coach: You're like the black Mary Poppins!
Winston: That's right!

Jess: [British accent] Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates. I just spent the week at Ryan's, and it was absolutely lovely.
Coach: Fake accent, smug attitude. This is exactly why the teachers have turned on Jyan.
Jess: Jyan?! Come on! You chose the worst parts of both our names.
Coach: That's why we chose it.
Jess: Haters gonna "H." That's why Ryan has to find a new job.
Winston: You know, I hear Elijah Wood's looking for a stunt double. [laughter]
Jess: He's so small!
Coach: Get back in that tree and make me some cookies, Ryan!

Winston: I got your back, man. I got your back. Actually, I have all your backs, all right? Uh, since I can't drink tonight, I am your designated buddy. Here in my backpack, I have a list of items that we may need. I got water, so... I got towels for everybody. Perfect. I got... small stick. Speaks for itself. Oh. Oh. Also... one female condom. It's gonna go quick, so I'll let you two fight it out.
Cece: Uh-uh.
Winston: Also, I got tissues for you, Nick, 'cause...
Nick: What for?
Winston: It's-it's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend broke up. Yeah, it's gonna be sad...
Nick: Move it right along, man.

Nick: Valentine's Day might be for couples, but the crawl is for all.
Man: Yes.
Nick: We just got our motto, folks.
All: The bar crawl is for all!

Ryan: Nah, she heard me. It was very obvious.
Winston: I really hate to see you upset. You know, if I had something to g... You know what, I do have something. I have a bag of nuts in my bag. Do you want a bag of nuts?
Nick: Maybe she didn't hear you. You know, she's got a lot of hair. And hair blocks sound. It happened when we were dating all the time.
[flashback to Jess and Nick in the bathroom as she brushes her teeth:]
Nick: Hey, did you get a chance to read my Walking Dead fan fiction yet? [Jess keeps brushing] What'd you think?

Schmidt: Well, happy V-Day to me. Fawn and I are on the rocks. By the way, a pun that would have killed
at last week's geologist ball.