Jess: Where's my set-up, already? I'm looking at the menu, and I see a lot of skirt but no steak.
Cece: I think that Coach picked you, so watch out. 'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring one of his clients or weird, like, gym buddies.
Jess: [whispering] Ryan.
Cece: What?
Jess: Ryan. Ryan.
Cece: Ryan-Ryan?
Jess: He brought Ryan. Oh, God. I don't think I can even look at him, like, without getting pregnant. He just oozes sex.
Ryan: Good holiday to you! I've come with biscuits!
Jess: [groaning]

Lucy: Hi, Nick. It's been a long time.
Nick: Lucille. Great to see you. Do you still like to eat, uh... popcorn?
Lucy: I guess so.
Nick: Oh, you see that? I know her foods.
Schmidt: You must have spoiled her, huh? You know, if you'll excuse us, I'm gonna give Lucy the tour. Come on, Lucy. [to Nick] I'm calling my penis "the tour."
Nick: My tour's more satisfying. His is all about him. Mine's about you sometimes.

Ryan: Uh, thanks for inviting me tonight. I-I didn't realize this was a singles party.
Jess: Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry. Did Coach say that with a Sean Connery accent? Did he say "shingles"? 'Cause he was... He actually meant shingles. Like the... like... Everybody here is a-a roofer.

Jess: Look, the last time I saw you, I kissed you. I know that. We both know that. But this can't happen. Are we attracted to each other? Yes. Do I sing Oasis songs to myself and pretend that they were inspired by your love for me? I do. But my job is to enforce the rules. And I love my job. And I worked hard to get it. So this cannot happen.
Ryan: Is that why you've locked me in your bedroom and undone the top button on your dress?
Jess: I didn't undo the t... Well, I did. But that was an accident. That wasn't for you. It was for me. I just need to know that you will respect the rules and that this will go no further.
Ryan: I'll do my best. Looks like you missed a few.
Jess: [looks down] What?

Winston: That's nothing. Jess brought me a hot lunch lady. What am I supposed to do with that?
Nick: Do sex with the lunch lady. I have a real...
Winston: Wait.
Nick: That's obvious.
Winston: I know how it sounds. I know how it sounds, but she's a... like, a real lunch lady.
Nick: That's hot.

Nick: I do have a real problem. Schmidt is trying to sleep with a woman I've already slept with.
Cece: Well, at least he has a date, because mine never showed up.
Schmidt: Geoff is coming! Apparently, a wild peacock got loose on the freeway, and is holding up traffic. Now, you guys, we have guests downstairs. And if we don't get back to them soon, they're gonna get spooked.
[cut to:]
Lucy: [to Ryan] Um, so, have you always been from England?

Jess: No. What am I gonna do about Ryan?
Schmidt: Just have sex with him. Look, bang one out, get it out of your system.
Jess: I don't do that.
Winston: You should do that.
Coach: You should bang one out.
Cece: Yeah, makes the most sense.
Jess: What?!
Cece: Nothing else has worked, okay, and the best way to get over a crush is just to do something about it.

Jess: Happy Bangsgiving. [whispers] Close the door.
Ryan: Oh, my God. Is there nothing underneath that apron?
Jess: Just a little white meat looking for some gravy. That probably wasn't very sexy. I shouldn't have said that!
Ryan: No, it was very becoming. I'm totally confused about these oven mitts.
Jess: How else am I supposed to take a hot dish out of the oven? [chuckles] These mitts were a bad idea.
Ryan: What, uh, got you in the-the, uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?
Jess: Well, I like you, you like me. Why don't we just... bang one out of our system?
Ryan: Bang one out of our system?
Jess: It sounds really bad. I get that. And I hear it now, it sounds awful. But we just bang one out of our system, and then, we can go back to our strictly professional relationship, and I can stop thinking about you all the time, which I do.

Jess: Freaking Bangsgiving.

Nick: Hey, Cece, I got that $20 I owe you. It's, uh... it's in my bedroom. Okay. Yeah, it's right this way.
Lucy: [to Schmidt] You're really sexy for a Jew.
Schmidt: Not now, woman! Wait. What?