Coach: Hey, come here. You got something on your face.
Winston: Really? What is it? [Coach slaps Winston] Ow.
Coach: It's, like, right... What were you thinking, bringing me that girl from the police academy?
Winston: What's wrong with Pepper?
[flashback to Coach taking Pepper back to the loft:]
Coach: Allow me... [takes her coat] Arms!
[present:]
Coach: She's jacked, dude. You should've warned me you were setting me up with one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Jess: I'm sure she's not that bad. [sees Pepper] Whoa. Where was she when I was cracking walnuts for the stuffing?

Cece: So where exactly is this "date" of mine? All right, I invited Lucy, like you asked.
Schmidt: Your date's name is Geoff and he will be here. By the way, he spells Geoff with a "G," so you know he comes from money.

Nick: [to Tran] Well, I think the real difference is crocodiles are man-eaters and alligators...
Schmidt: What in the bloody hell? Uh, hey, Nick. What is Tran doing here?
Nick: Oh, well, I picked my own name. So you said to bring somebody. So I thought it'd be weird if I didn't bring someone. So I just brought Tran.
Schmidt: You brought an old Asian man to my sex party so it wouldn't be weird?
Nick: Relax. He didn't come empty-handed. He brought a game. It's like Thailand Monopoly. Yeah, all the squares are jail except for one piece of property which we all have to fight each other for. But don't get caught in the Red Light District.
Schmidt: This isn't a freaking game night, Nick.
Nick: Okay, chill out.
Schmidt: You... You're making a mockery of this holiday and you know it.
Nick: [to Tran] I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand, if that's where you're from even.

Schmidt: Grounds?
Nick: The statute of limitation hasn't expired.
Schmidt: You dated her three years ago for, like, two and a half months. The statute is very specific. 1,000 showers. After that, no claim.
Nick: And if you think I've showered 1,000 times in the past three years, then you're out of your mind.
Schmidt: Did you ever spend more than $65 on her, not including tip?
Nick: It's tough. There were a lot of coupons involved.
Schmidt: Did you ever watch her dog?
Nick: Trick question: she had fish and I killed them.
Schmidt: You ever get her a gift?
Nick: Every time we had sex. [both laugh]
Schmidt: No claim.

Winston: According to the statute, if you two can't agree, we take it to a vote. The winner gets the girl, the loser gets five grilled cheese sandwiches.
Nick: I'll agree to that.
Schmidt: Let's do it.
Nick: All right, all those in favor of Schmidt not sleeping with Lucy, raise your hand now.
Coach: I don't care.
Cece: Couldn't care less.
Nick: Raise 'em up. Put 'em up.
Schmidt: Huzzah! Warning: tonight things will get loud with Lucy. But don't worry. I'll have her jam a sock in my mouth right before I see angels.
Jess: Okay, guys, what about me?
Schmidt: Get your own sock.

Schmidt: You're pissed at me for bringing Lucy, and you bring Tran as a date?
Nick: Hey, leave Tran out of this. He fought in Korea! I don't know which side, but I know he's a war hero.

Cece: What kind of woman have you been sleeping with since you and Jess broke up?
Nick: Terrible ones.
Cece: And how does that make you feel?
Nick: Terrible. Then really good.
Cece: Expected. Expected.
Schmidt: There you go.
Nick: But then, immediately after, terrible.
Cece: I'm just gonna put this out there, but I think you'd probably rather like to sleep with someone who doesn't make you feel terrible, but you're just a little afraid of getting hurt again.
Nick: No, that doesn't sound right.

Schmidt: Now, whosever name you pick, that's who you'll be bringing a date for. And no date leaves until everyone is laid.
Jess: I just want to meet a nice fella. Can I have permission to send them home without sex?
Schmidt: No, you do not.
Coach: I think everybody's date should be able to leave.
Nick: Yeah, your plan sounds a little kidnappy. What's the rule on that, Winston?
Winston: Eh, gray area. We're good.

Schmidt: And, okay, nobody say who you picked. It'll ruin the surprise.
Cece: Oh, crap. You picked me.
Schmidt: No! How'd you know?
Cece: And now you're gonna set me up with you, aren't you?
Schmidt: Come on, Cece, I-I know that this holiday is a bittersweet memory for your people,
Cece: Wrong kind of Indian.
Schmidt: but, please, do not take that out on me.

Jess: So, Pearl, I told Winston that you work at my school. And, um, Winston is about to become a cop, which you've probably already gathered from the fact that he pinned his badge to his sport coat.
Winston: What? [chuckles] How did that get there?