Jess: Couples always try to talk down to singles. We can do everything that you guys can do.
Robby: I take myself out for a dessert date every Sunday.
Jess: Yeah, and yesterday, I had a backache, and I rubbed it myself, in a doorjamb.
Schmidt: This is bummin' me out. Is this group gonna be a bummer? Be honest.
Jess: Absolutely not.
[later, on the trip, Jess's group are all on horseback:]
Jess: [v.o.] There's Brenda. She's a circuit court judge who also teaches taxidermy class for kids. And Hugh. He grows his own onions. My former boss and current friend, Principal Foster. His hip surgeon has okayed him for sex, but he hasn't okayed himself. And of course, Robby, our leader. Have you ever seen a group more ready to have fun with themselves?

Cece: Just look at this view; we needed this so badly. It's-it's perfect.
Schmidt: Is it, though? [camera shutters clicking] Can you stop hogging the vista? There are other people who would like to take a photo. I don't want to lose this light. It's a traditional high-noon.
Jess: Don't couple-splain light to us.

Schmidt: Now, I'm only taking one shot, so if the first one's a silly one, you're gonna have to live with a silly one. Okay. One, two, three. There we go. Great photo.
Robby: I'm gonna need one, too. Actually, we're all gonna need one.
Schmidt: What?
Dr. Foster: Yeah, we don't share phones like you people.
Schmidt: Who shares phones? How would we call each other?

Jess: Hey. Oh, I was just... just playing a little single and sufficient badminton.
Robby: Well, I hope you worked up an appetite, because I'm gonna make my Singles Sliders.
Jess: Oh, yeah?
Robby: Okay, so what I do is I take the meat from three different sliders, and then I just sort of mash 'em into one big boy that stands on his own.
Jess: Oh. So, like a burger.
Robby: Yeah, it's like a burger except it's bigger.

Jess: Oh. Well, if it isn't Schmidt. Or should I call you Schmidt-tata 'cause you have so much egg on your face? You little Italian egg omelet.
Robby: [laughs, snorts] Nice.

Winston: Wow. Nick's book is astonishing. I thought it was gonna take forever, but... it was perfect.
Aly: He really brings you into the world. Every minor character is so well thought out. The newsboy? You could see his whole life.
Winston: And am I the only one who thought that the murderer's name was in the song?
Aly: The murderer's song was in the song! Ah. So good.
Winston: No notes.
Aly: Yeah.
Winston: Yeah.

Schmidt: [answers phone] Nick, if this is about notes, so help me God.
Nick: I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna stop bugging you until you note me, Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right, Nick. Here's a note. Stop cutting yourself off at the knees like a selfish coward.
Nick: Okay, great, great. I love the direction we're going. We're getting more critical, but can you refocus to the writing?
Schmidt: No, Nick, I cannot, and you want to know why? Because you are a writer. And a damn good one at that. But you're just too scared to admit it to yourself. Goodbye, sir. [hangs up]
Nick: No! Damn, you raven-haired dandy boy.

Winston: I am so pumped for this trip. Aly and I figured out how many times we would have had sex since we've been apart, and it's a whole bunch. And we're gonna play catch-up on all of it. All 52 times. I am about to take Aly to Mount Smushmore. Know what I'm saying? [laughs]

Jess: I am in! Do you want me to bring my retractable s'mores pole?
Schmidt: Is that the car antenna that you've been putting in the dishwasher? That is a low-level mystery that is driving me insane.
Cece: Making him crazy.
Jess: It's really handy.

Cece: All right, Jess. So just a quick warning, okay? This is a pretty couple-y's trip, and... you know, we just don't want you to feel like a third wheel.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jess: Oh. I have people I can bring. I joined a singles group.
Cece: You're meeting new people. I think that's great.
Schmidt: [quietly] Oh, my.
Jess: It's actually... a group of all singles dedicated to keeping each other single.
Cece: Wow.
Jess: I think they could probably come on the trip. Emotionally, they may not be available, but socially, they're available as hell.
Cece: [quietly] Just talk to her really quickly.
Schmidt: You know what?
Cece: Oh, you're already texting people.
Schmidt: They're probably not...
Jess: They're in! All of them! [laughing] Honestly, they would have gone to the DMV with you, if you had asked.