Jess: Who wants a shot of firewater? Anybody want me to wet their whistle?

Schmidt: You know, in Student Health Services, they still call that "Schmidting the bed."
Nick: Why are you proud of that?

Schmidt: Cece.
Cece: I had to check out the new and improved Schmidt. Been hearing so much about it, so...
Schmidt: I'm really glad that you came. Look, I wanted to tell you...
Cece: I want you to meet Robby, my, uh, my boyfriend.
Schmidt: Your what?
Cece: There he is.
Schmidt: The one shaped like a Liberty Bell?
Cece: It's a great party. Thank you for inviting us.

Nick: And here comes the weirdness.
Winston: Not weird, just a guy who really wants a drink. Mm-mmm! Mmm... Mmm! It's like an explosion of fruit!
Nick: There it is.
Winston: Look at me being so naughty! So naughty.

Nick: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Nick, I'm fine. I don't need you to be nice to me right now.
Nick: Okay. You want me to be mean?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: I'll give you mean, Jess. This is the easiest job in the whole world! The only thing easier than this is passing out cigarettes to prisoners. And what if I wanted to take a body shot off you? Oh, yeah! I can't because you're wearing a turn-of-the-century bathing costume. How's this? Are you getting mad or are you happy with this?
Jess: It's good. That's really good.
Nick: So stop feeling sorry for yourself, kid, and get up on that bar and shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass!
Jess: That's too far!
Nick: Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.
Jess: That is too far! That is too far.

Schmidt: Fire... the most dangerous element of all of the elements. Now I'm doing this. Okay, let's see here. And then now I'm doing this. Sure. And now I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm not actually quite sure how to stop this. Um, this is definitely real fire. I'm very apologetic. I think everyone should leave. Um, thank you very much for coming. There's party favors at the door. I'd like to thank my urologist for coming. Oh, wait. No, no, no, everybody, look. I'm okay. I got it under control. Cece, watch this one. Hey, look, Cece. Fire!

Schmidt: Where's Robby?
Cece: Pulling the car around. You really scared him.
Schmidt: Why haven't you called me back in two months, Cece?
Cece: You are the one who broke up with me.
Schmidt: I don't see you until you show up here tonight with... with a boyfriend? And please, please tell me he's on some sort of medication that's making him temporarily bloated.

Cece: Come on, okay? You and I both know we never would have worked. We are far too alike.
Schmidt: Both so beautiful.
Cece: You're gonna be fine. You know that, right?
Schmidt: Hey, uh, Cece, I... I got to know, why him? I mean, what, what is his brand?
Cece: He's just a good guy.
Schmidt: And I'm... too dangerous?
Cece: Yeah, that's it. I'll see you around, Schmidt.

Casey: Fun fact: There's a reason why guys nickname me "T-Ball." When they step up to the plate, they never strike out.
Schmidt: Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?
Casey: I graduated from MIT, and then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.
Schmidt: There it is.

Jess: Nick.
Nick: What?
Jess: Will you be mean to me one more time?
Nick: Look sharp, you dumb-ass!
Jess: You look sharp!
Nick: You're a terrible shot girl! [Jess laughs] You got hoof hands and a plywood ass, kid! You call that a shot girl outfit, you dumb-ass?
Jess: I got mixed up ... I thought it was a cigarette girl.
Nick: That is what happened. You look like a cigarette girl.